TV Sucks

No catchy title here, just the truth. I tried to think of some way to make fun of the abbreviation TV but nothing came to mind that made any sense. (I tried to think of anything that went along with TV...Total Victory? Tough Veal? Tropical Vagina? uh...)

I don't think the crappy shows that pollute the airwaves today when the word "vision" was added to the "tele" was exactly what the inventor had in mind...not that shows 50-60 years ago were any better but at least you had to be an actor. In many ways it was the gateway to a bigger career if your show was worth watching (well, except for Flipper and Lassie).

Last night I had a conversation with Lanie about television shows. She asked me if there were any shows when I was younger that everyone liked and I couldn't stand them. That opened up the floodgates. You're goddamn right there are shows that were so STUPID and ANNOYING I couldn't EVER figure out why they were popular or remained on the air.

Which ones? Step By Step is definitely one. This started the illustrious and acclaimed career for the actor we all know as Brendan Frasier. That's right, Encino Man was born on this painfully unfunny show. Can you remember what part he played? Drum roll.......the stupid guy who everyone laughs at (well, it's can laughter but I guess it counts) and acts like Goofy...only Goofy wasn't even this retarded. Brendan lived in an RV in the backyard for some reason. I don't even know if he was related to the weird family that lived in the house. I guess Suzanne Somers was on this show because someone thought she was still hot. Well, I'm not exactly sure when she was considered sexy but it's not been in any photos, shows, or movies I've ever seen.

This show followed a trend that all these family "sitcoms" and "comedies" invented and that was every show was about a different family member. Instead of encompassing all the cast in each episode you only saw one of the characters, whoever that was (in this case it was Jerry Curl Dad, Too Much Plastic Surgery Mom, RV Reject who lives in the backyard, the smart ass teenage girl, the brainiac boy who gets picked on at school, the older athletic son who isn't too bright, the little kids whom the audience laughs at anytime they even SPEAK, and...I don't remember anything else). So anytime you really even started to get to know a character you wouldn't hear anything else about them for about 10 episodes. They'd show up occasionally for the overdone one-liners but that was about it.

What about Family Matters. Why the FUCK was this show approved, let alone even on TV for WAY too many seasons. We don't need to talk about any characters on this show except for the obvious and completely annoying Steve Eurckle. High wasted pants, huge glasses, squeaky voice...what the hell were the producers trying to prove? I guess it follows the trend of all black comedies...if you're black you think they're funny but everyone else really doesn't get it. In this instance I guess that means anyone remotely black knows someone of their race who is a panty waist loser that hangs around and won't go away. I mean, he visited the family on this show all the time and I'm not really sure why. He wasn't related from what I remember and the dad constantly wanted to kill him. Save the racist comments too, when I say everyone else I don't mean just whites...I mean Asians, Hispanics, Europeans, foreigners...who ever isn't black. Although, I do want to ask...how come everyone that is white on these shows looks completely ridiculous and so...geeky? I guess that's what whiteys look and act like to everyone else? Tyler Perry is right about his show...Tyler Perry's House of Pain. It's completely painful to watch.

Why are these no Asian or Jewish shows? I guess they don't like being perceived as idiots. Well, everyone should be able to laugh at themselves.

I could dog on Full House all damn year. Dave Courier has to be the single, biggest not funny character in the history of television. His stupid voices, hokey and cheesy behavior could register a real person as borderline insane. This family should've shipped Big Dave and his Donald Duck voice to the nut house instead of taking him in...it's no wonder that the middle daughter on this show ended up a crack whore after it ended. Really...how many times did they zoom in on his fat head while he did his best Porky Pig impression? He needed a haircut badly too. Every show it looked like he just got out of bed and put on the first Dad sweatshirt or sweater he saw. FYI, John Stamos playing the womanizer bad boy musician turned good guy heartthrob was and still is a fraud. Poor Bob Saget, he's genuinely a great comedian and he was relegated to Mr. Clean Dad behavior. What some of us will do for a paycheck. What about the stupid girl who was the best friend of the oldest ugly girl? Of course, she was dating a stud too...what leather jacket wearing "bad boy" wouldn't want fat rools and cottage cheese thighs for breakfast. I won't say a word about the Olsen twins, they have so many issues they were doomed from the start of this show. Thanks Mom and Dad.

Oh, I've got more. Sister, Sister. A show about two twin girls................anything else? Nope. They're ugly and really don't do any special tricks or anything. They don't have any fun. They don't party. They don't screw around. They just go to school and...I'm not really sure what else they do. I remember the two of them have the same wavy/curly/ugly hair. Disney sure knows how to make them.

Which leads me some peoples' all time favorite show for families and teens. Boy Meets World. Also known as "None of Us Care and Never Will." Fred Savage's little brother (who apparently received the opportunity for his own show because Fred was in the BEST show...The Wonder Years) and his stupid haircut polluted the television for a decade. If you thought Captain Planet was the worst cartoon when we were kids, this show was the worst family comedy ever made. Fred's little brother (that's right, I don't know his real name and I'm not going to waste anymore time looking it up...that shows you how his career turned out) supposedly encountered all the problems of growing up. He had a full legion of supporters who all contributed to 30 minutes of not funny, not entertaining, unwatchable garbage. Little bro's best buddy was the bad boy heartthrob. One thing though...he was ugly. His face looked like a butt. His hair could've been a mop at one point. He wasn't muscular or tough...in fact, this guy looked so frail that he'd be afraid to sneeze or cough too hard for fear of having a heart attack on the spot. Even better, he was an abandoned kid so was taken in by the Jerry Curl heartthrob teacher...double the boring.

Hey, little bro also had an older brother and this guy was so stupid on the show he would've been rejected at the looney bin because they wouldn't be able to do anything for him. Mom and Dad at least added...I can't think of anything. And the show wouldn't be complete without the girlfriend. Oh my, her name was Tapainga (pretty sure that's not the correct spelling, but the word pain is in the middle of her name), she was a chubby, she started out as a weirdo, and ended up stealing little bro's heart. They got married and I'm pretty sure never had any premarital relations...in fact, little bro got few kisses and a lot of blue balls from what I remember.

Miraculously, their teacher followed them from a young age all the way through college. That's right, from grade school, to high school teacher and then principal at the high school, and finally college professor. That's stalking and borderline creepy. Mr. Feeney liked his kids a lot...a little too much it seems. He also lived close by...I wonder if Little Bro, Heartthrob, and Strange Name had pajama parties with him complete with milk, cookies, and video cameras. They didn't do much as far as after school activities...they had to be busy doing something. Oh yeah, little bro was a moron and so was his buddy but somehow they ended up in the same college as little bro's smarty straight A's girlfriend. I thought the show dealt with typical growing up situations? I mean, Tara Reid boned the Rookie of the Year on prom night in American Pie and dumped him the next day because they were going to two different schools. She didn't care that he wanted to stay together or that he pitched for the Cubs when he was 12 (I wouldn't care either, I mean, he had a Cubs World Series ring...no way that thing was real).

I think someone should invent an Amish comedy.

You know what I noticed on these shows? The Dad (and the boys) never get laid. It's rarely talked about and when it is time for hookups the Dad acts so excited, almost like he hasn't splooged in years, and the wife gets this look on her face like "when is this going to be over?" Hey, you married Jerry Curl...you spit out a bunch of kids too. Were you sleeping with someone else, had all those in vitro, or had miracle babies like Mary and Joseph? What the hell is going on here?

By the way, Arby's has the worst advertising of all the fast food restaurants. Has anyone else ever noticed the really strange looking people on the sides of the cups, bags, and on the tray liners? At least it's more realistic than McDonald's. McDonald's advertises hip hoppers (ha, I made a funny...I'll use that term from here on out) and your cooler than COOL ass jockies frothing at the mouth to eat Chicken McNuggets. If you advertised them as Nuggets of Chicken no one would eat them.

Back to hokey TV. I remember some cartoons that sucked too. I'm sure I liked some of them when I was a kid but even then I didn't like being treated as a little kid. I wanted to see Leonardo of the ninja turtles take his swords and chop someone's head off at least one time. Hey, I played Mortal Kombat and used to set people on fire as my finishing move...boys love that shit. However, when I grew up (some people do this their whole lives...if you watch cartoons a lot still, prepare for your verbal beatdown) a lot of the cartoons just weren't entertaining anymore. It happens in all stages of life...I used to think Final Destination was a bad ass movie. Now all I think if I hear about that movie is "what the hell are they even talking about in this crappy film?"

I remember my freshmen year of college, I lived in the dorms and I kind of made friends with this group of four guys. I say kind of because I wasn't really sure if I wanted to hang out with them all that much. They were just a little too weird. All day long they plugged up their X-Boxes up and played Halo. I didn't like X-Box (still don't), I didn't like sitting around all damn day, and they were the college kids that breath, ate, and slept in shit. What do I mean by that? Opened bags of chips, cookies, candy, and cans of soda (yeah, they didn't drink beer either, another reason I wasn't too interested) sitting everywhere. It smelled like a trash can all the time in there.

Anyway, one night they ask me if I want to go over to one of their buddy's family's house, drink some, and maybe play (I'll just watch and drink your beer) Halo. They had it setup where two X-Boxes were connected to each other and they would play in separate rooms (actually, these people had so much money they had a miniature little house in the back yard where the other X-Box station was setup) against each other so they could strategize without whispering and blah, blah you get it. Never one to turn down free beer or liquor in college, sure I'll go along. I'll even play a game to say I didn't drink all your booze and did nothing else. Well, I show up with them and the first thing this guy whips out is his newly purchased Transformers cartoon Box Set. I wanted to snatch it from his hand and throw it out the window into oncoming traffic. These guys? They were SO excited.

I'm not kidding. After a few minutes of letting them bullshit and getting to know the people (this guy's parents were home but I was told they didn't mind if we got wasted there) I asked where the alcohol resided. No one said much of anything and when they finally sat down they busted out some Welch's Grape Soda and never looked away from the TV. What a crock. This guy's girlfriend was even there and apparently she sat on the couch and watched him play all the time. I got so bored I tried hitting on her for a while but that got old too. Awkwardly, I told them I was heading out and acted like I had something to do (remember how Jim in American Pie 2 tells Finch and Stifler he's got painting to do when those two girls want them to make out and feel each other up? yeah, it's one of those "uh...I've got a big test on Monday, I know it's only Friday but I need to start studying"...yeah). Anyway, that was the last time I hung out with any of them. Sorry dude, hanging out with Mom and Dad and your girlfriend while you all play Halo qualifies you for special boy status.

So yeah, Transformers was cool when I was six or seven but not when I was 18 or older. Ninja Turtles and the X-Men cartoons were cool at that age too...I don't care about turtles that wear headbands over their eyes anymore. Don't tell me the new Batman cartoon is cool just cause you watch it with your little boy or your nephew. It's okay if you'd rather be dead than watch these things. Grown ups are supposed to like grown up things. They're not supposed to like Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny anymore.

By the way, what's up with these parents complaining about sorcerors, witches, and warlocks in books like Harry Potter and the Twilight series? Your kids can't learn how to ride broomsticks or shoot fireballs from their eyes. Kids can learn how to use an imagination though. And no, their imagination doesn't involve killing you like the vampires do.

Why is this blog important? It's not, TV sucks as much as ever. Kim Kardashian is a slut who never did anything that mattered. She got famous off a sex tape...not exactly a talent. The fact is there are hardly any happy mediums. You either have over-the-top hokey shows that don't provide any direction or over-the-top scripted reality TV where people get in arguments and for whatever reason people are compelled to watch it.

That's it. Oh, one more thing...if you require can laughter to know when to laugh, then you really are a moron and you're the person that TV caters to...a person with no mind of their own.

Now I'm done.