I Eat Shit for Breakfast, Squirt for Lunch, and Ass Crusties for Dinner

I know that's pretty gross. But we all do and you'll agree with me by the time you're done reading. And if you don't agree with me...enjoy your poopy britches for dessert!

Surely there are people other than myself who have thought so many restaurants serve the same garbage. Everyone knows their names: Applebee's, O'Charley's, Chili's, Logan's, Texas Roadhouse, Outback, Cheeseburger in Paradise, Lonestar, Longhorn, Ruby Tuesday's, TGI Friday's. (I'm sure there are more that I haven't thought of but this list will just have to suffice.)

They all serve the same fuckin shit. Cheeseburgers, chicken fingers, club sandwiches, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, mashed potatoes, french fries, steak, grilled chicken (no one eats this), spinach and artichoke dip, double cheeseburgers, mini cheeseburgers (these places like to give them cute names...dippers, poppers, bites...I guess it makes a cheeseburger cut into four pieces sound smaller), fettucine alfredo, garden salads (I didn't know iceberg lettuce chopped up with a mound of croutons qualified...and who decided it was a good idea to eat cucumber on salads...OR sandwiches? GROSS), and then combinations of the meals listed above. The most famous combination? A chicken finger salad.

First off, chickens don't have fingers. Second, if they did, I sure hope this isn't what they'd look like. Third, why they fuck does every woman on this goddamn planet insist on ordering chicken fingers (insert name here) as their meal when you take them on a date? Who decided that?

One time, I took a girl on a date to this Irish restaurant in Bloomington. I had wanted to go there for over a year. It was a pretty nice restaurant, even though half the people in there were pretty much wasted (Irish...no that's not racist, they like booze...specifically whiskey and you know it so piss off). We got a menu and it was, in my guesstimation, probably as close to authentic as you could get without actually eating in Ireland itself.

Fast-foward. Server suggests the most popular appetizer (cheese-filled hush puppies...they called them puffballs or pluffballs, I can't remember) so I order it for us. It arrives and the girl is too scared to try it, she wants me to go first. Okay, I eat the cheese balls...what do they taste like? Cheese, try it. Half a bite...spit out into a napkin. Are we three years old?

Anyway, what's the point of this story? Much to my dismay, this place had a small "American" menu (basically a kiddie menu for adults who never grew up...I guess that would be half the population!) and guess what? She orders...no, not chicken fingers...a chicken sandwich.

Son of a bitch.

I brought someone to an ethnic restaurant to eat "outside the box" for a change, didn't care about the price. What else was on the menu? Same as anywhere else! Beef, lamb, chicken, vegetables, seafood...with an Irish touch. A fuckin chicken sangwich Napoleon!

What's the point of eating at ANY of these places? You have to think, at some point, these American restaurants will have to weed each other out. I mean, can someone honestly tell me they go to one of these restaurants for a certain dish? If it's something unique to that restaurant...fine, understandable. Except there is nothing unique to any of these places.

Well...maybe one place. Longhorn has this shrimp and lobster dip...wow, to die for...I could probably bathe in it. I'm sure it has 2,000 calories and who knows how much cholesterol, but I don't care. Everyone has weaknesses...this is one of mine.

I see advertisements all the time for restaurants advertising mini cheeseburgers. *New!* *Check them out!* *A New Way to Join in the Fun (?) at...!*

What the fuck is new about them? It's a cheeseburger only smaller! It's the actual size people should be eating! Wow, let's lead the fat masses on! They're smaller, so they're not as bad for you...plus? They're fun!

These commercials are all false advertisements. It shows the servers and people eating there all excited, having a good time...they're actors. Period.

You know that show America's Next Top Model with no-talent Tyra Blanks? Nearly everyone that has won hasn't done anything! Except for one...Lanie told me the only winner (outside of Adrienne Curry's two Playboy spreads and reality show...amazing talent) to do anything she has ever seen (and she reads all those celebrity mag's) was in a commercial for one of the aforementioned restaurants.

All these commercials are so hokey and over-the-top it's ridiculous. They have some quirky tune as a the theme song for the commercial and restaurant. Chili's commercials always start out the same. The camera zooms inside really fast and some itsy, bitsy girl with the biggest smile on her face and the cleanest clothes gleams "Welcome to Chili's!"

I have never been greeted there like that! Most of the time someone is wiping off the crumbs from their hands onto their shirt from the last tubby's table, then they whipe their nose, grab a few crusty menus, and without ever saying "Hello!" or "Welcome to Chili's!", they say either "How many?" or they actually remember how to count, decide to apply it to your group, then call out "three tonight?"

Don't patronize me Chili's. No one is having ANY fun in your restaurants. Quit dipping your *new* chicken dippers (new? they're chicken fingers! you renamed them! are they advertising to people with no memory retention and dementia?) into the little vat of honey BBQ sauce and slinging it around like that's supposed to make it taste better. Quit wasting my time. Oh...one more thing, why don't you disclose your nutritional information freely? Hmmm...

I'd like to find this guy named Chili and let him know that his advertisements, his restaurants, and his employees absolutely suck.

What, you think this is some hate campaign solely against Chili's? Ha, I could go on all day.

How about Wendy's dumber than DUMB commercials. You know "It's WAAAAY better than fast food...it's Wendy's!"

You serve fast food you bitch! You're degrading what you make! What the hell is going on here?

Don't even start me on Logan's or Applebee's. You're lucky to get your food served warm when you eat there. What happened to the service part in the "food service industry"? (Read my blog about dead end jobs and careers to find the answer to this)

Damn! Someone respond to this and air out your feelings on restaurants!

Before you respond, I didn't forget about Olive Garden, Macaroni Grill, Cheesecake Factory (they serve pasta...and it sucks sack), Fazoli's, and Spaghetti Factory. Cut down your damn portion sizes! What is this, the Last Supper? Stuff your face until your bloated and the button on your pants blows off like in the Subway commercials?

Hey, Olive Garden...why should I pay 20 bucks for pasta? Cut the portion in half, I'll gladly pay 10! Although, they don't disclose their nutritional information either so I guess I'll just accept that I'm eating somewhere between two or three sticks of butter and move on.

Olive Garden's commercials suck too. Middle-aged couples sitting around a huge table with the goofy guy suggesting all the different pasta combos he could try and his wife saying "You better not!" and they all erupt with laughter and you say to yourself, wow, what a party! I can't wait to eat there again! Please.

I know some of you are saying...well then how are they supposed to advertise? Realistically. Dirty uniforms and tables, lukewarm food, and half-assed service. No one will want to eat there then! Then stop your false advertisement. If it's going to be in the commercial, it needs to be like that in real life. That's not possible, you say. Every reason that just popped up in your head speaks volumes about the "exciting" career these employees are living up.

These same, "Italian" places (along with the other Americanized ethnic food choices, especially Mexican) have American menus for those who don't like to eat ethnic food (like I said, hardly ethnic). I think it sucks though that real ethnic restaurants, like the aforementioned Irish restaurant above, offer the same American menu. If I ran the restaurant? You don't like what we make here? Eat somewhere else you spoiled brat. Suck on your thumb and cry. Kids eat their boogers...tell them to wait to pick their nose at the restaurant.

I've got a couple of friends who won't eat ethnic food. I took some of them to a Greek restaurant once. Two of my friends ate Greek with me. The other two? Cheeseburger and chicken wings. I was embarrassed. I begged them to try, at the very least, a Greek dish the equivalent of fried cheese on pita bread. Forget it. If I had asked them to eat octopus and they said no? Understandable. Hell, I don't like octopus and I don't expect anyone to try it. Plus, they have eight legs and shoot out ink...that's weird. Fried cheese on bread? Next time, pack a bologna and cheese sandwich and a bag of Fritos. Make sure you cut the crust off too.

I guess this would be the time to ask...why do girls only order chicken fingers at restaurants? I just blasted my friends for ordering like they're still four years old...you all don't get off Scot free either. About a month ago, Lanie and I ate at some sports bar in one of Indy's malls and we saw a young couple out on a date. Lanie told me to look at the girl and look at what she ordered. To my amazement she ordered a big cheeseburger...and fries. Oh well, not chicken fingers right? A close second, but definitely not the fingers. I looked at the girl and she was so thin I think two or three bites would be enough for her.

Why do I bring this up? She never touched her food. Didn't eat a bite. "Maybe she lost her appetite?" OH CAN IT ANOREXIA!!! BULLSHIT! Bullshit with a capital B! She's so self-conscious, it's pouring out of her veins! It's bleeding out of her eyes and ears! It's all over her!

Guys are supposed to have confidence? Why shouldn't girls be required to have it too? That's a whole another blog but let me tell you, providing confidence for yourself can be a full-time job unto itself, but two people? Ha! Get out of here and go throw up in the toilet! Don't waste your time with chicken fingers guys! Eat healthier food and exercise if you want to weigh 105! Chicken fingers, cheeseburgers, french fries, and ice cream don't make the cut! Sorry weirdo!

So what should these places be serving? Nothing different, we just shouldn't eat there anymore or as often. Learn how to cook, it tastes better. If we don't eat there as often they'll have to come up with something tastier than a greasy cheeseburger and crumb coated chicken strips. If they don't or if they go under...so what? There's another four hundred or so to choose from.

So where do I like to eat?

Bonefish Grill is probably my favorite. They don't provide the nutritional information either, but I eat there so sparingly, it's a treat and not a fat habit. The fresh fish is amazing and so is the Bang Bang Shrimp. You should give it a try if you've never been.

I like sushi too. I haven't had it in a while because I'm poor. Ew, raw fish you say. Yeah, well you can get sushi without raw fish if that isn't your thing.

Or just eat at home. I'm not your mother, figure it out.