Why are really religious people ugly???

I'm sure more out there other than myself have wondered the same thing.

I remember the last Easter service I ever attended. I went to the big Crossroads Church Easter "Celebration" at Roberts Stadium. This was a big change for my family, we were used to going to a relatively small Methodist church in Boonville that was uninteresting to say the least. Our new pastor was a gigantic fat woman who had never married from what I understand (I guess it's another one of those people who are "married to God"...translation: never gotten laid). Basically someone who owns a lot of cats. What do cats have to do with all this? Not much really except you don't talk to the cat lady, in fact, you talk shit about the cat lady after you've seen her and she's out of sight.

Unless you're the cat lady. This is a news flash for you that you're creepy and we're all starting to wonder...do you have a job? Other than feeding stray cats? That would be a hobby...or if it is a business you could deduct all costs associated with it on your taxes! So if you can somehow figure out how to make those disease spreading furballs do some tricks you could deduct cat food (or in some cases, your garbage) as a deductable business expense! Just youtube "cat, ceiling fan" and watch some of the neat tricks some owners got their cat to perform!

Anyway, back to church virgins. The old church I went to sucked the whole time I was a kid and my sister is into this camp counselor stuff at Jesus Camp during the summer so instead of mumbling outdated church hymns, I'll pretend sing the lyrics that flash across the big screen for new church hymns (although I don't think they're referred to as hymns...I'd call it Christian rock although I have yet to hear a Christian song that rocks) and replay the last Slipknot song in my head to keep my sanity.

The "celebration" consisted of several pastors (?), ministers (??), and wanna be American Idol contestants (!!!) reading Bible verses, playing non-traditional hip instruments (I guess that's the saxophone?), and engaging the audience. By the end of these songs I was fully expecting the audience to engage in 90s crowd "wave" at some point (after all, most of this stuff is about 10-20 years out of date so "the wave" can't be far off...but I guess that's an improvement over most churches since they're at least 100 years out of date).

Something I noticed about the church and its posers was that there were more attractive people here than the old folgies and fuglies I was used to seeing. This new church was labeled "contemporary", a label that a lot of "hip" (I feel like I'm back in the 80s using that word) churches (they exist?) were using more frequently. Apparently, someone figured out that younger crowd was going to church less frequently and something needed to change or funerals were going to be two-sided...someone dying and one less member to donate their life savings.

While I would say this business strategy worked (yes, these are businesses) to an extent, I'm convinced that most people will drop this sense of self-righteousness as soon as a better opportunity comes along. What are these opportunities? Well, there are too many to list so I'll make them broad: a significant other who doesn't think they're fugly (or who can't get any better at present time), friends who accept them and don't fake their true nature (come on, we all say "swear" words at some point, you know...F words, S words...Dane Cook and I apologize for using vulgar letters), and who try to have fun without donating all their money to the new stadium, uh I mean church.

Fun can be anything. Fun can be a 6-way orgy in spagetti sauce. Fun can be farting in front of your friends and describing the smell. It can be playing euchre. Or watching a movie. Fun is playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band (there is no "can be" here, it is fun). It can be anything someone makes it out to be. We all know what these churches really are...they're trying to protect its members. Protect you all from what, I'm not really sure. I guess it's protection from "sin" which, like the air we breathe, is invisible and can't be seen. Well unless you're Buggs Bunny. Remember the Looney Toons episodes where Buggs had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and the two both argued for his attention? I guess the church would be the angel and everything else would be the devil. Only, that's what they tell you...what if, in fact, it's the other way around?

So yeah, my church had no attractive women to speak of whatsoever. When I was growing up I remember this one girl who curled her bangs from the time she was six years old all the way through high school. Some of the other teenagers became dykes. Despite the church protecting its youth, some became drug addicts and didn't avoid the pregnancy bug either (damn that birth control, if it didn't exist all there would be to prevent it would be abstinence...or pulling out...it's supposed to work, the churchies will argue otherwise saying the pre-cum stuff can get someone pregnant...well, that was a lie www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=pubmed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=12286905). Didn't they say jerking off would make hair grow on a guys palms at one point too? You know what I always wondered? How come they never said what would happen to women if they masturbate? I guess they figured women didn't or couldn't do that...those nuns got away with it for a while!

The fact is, church is a safe haven for the discarded and undesirable amongst us most of the time. Oh sure, there are married couples who attend but they're pretty much off limits so they don't figure into this argument. As soon as someone becomes desirable to another or a group of people who do things other than sing out of date songs and do...whatever it is churchies do at brain washing camp, then they'll take it and run with it. It doesn't mean they don't believe anymore or won't attend church ever again. But other priorities exist now that are higher on the totem pole (sorry Jesus, you aren't riding shotgun anymore).

Has anyone else seen those "Songs for Worship" commercials with Christian "rock bands" or rock stars? One of them is named after a song, I think it's "I Can Only Imagine"? Yeah, what's up with those people putting their hands in the air, closing their eyes, and speaking in tongues? If THAT doesn't describe creepy, I'm not sure why the word even exists. Are there people who actually listen to this stuff? It's so...hokey. If you know me you know I have never liked things that are hokey or that any sensible human being (I'm not sure how many of those exist) would consider a mockery (watch The Brady Bunch, that's a perfect description). Read some of my movie reviews on facebook, specifically the review for the Transformers movie, the characters all behave SO typical.

The "celebration" I attended was pretty much the same stuff. Weird songs, even stranger lyrics, and everyone around you acting like they're possessed. Isn't this the same stuff that witch burners in Salem claimed? They're possessed, burn them! Burn them alive! Where's the cat lady at?

The most memorable cat lady I can remember made houses out of plastic storage bins in the trees next to my apartment building. She visited them regularly and fed them raw meat. Seriously. You should've seen the look she gave me and my dog when I took it for a walk. You thought I skinned cats in my spare time and left their organs with a death note taped to her front door from the looks she shot my way. Hell, if my dog saw a cat it probably thought it was a chew toy that moved.

Want to know why so many people like the movie Pulp Fiction? Because that's how most people behave in real life. Oh sure, movies are supposed to be fantasy and escape from reality, but that's why Star Wars and Lord of the Rings exists.

Anyway, if churches want to keep their attendance, if they want to attract more of the masses and build bigger domes, uh I mean churches, they need to get their heads out of the sand, shed the hear no evil, see no evil mentality and realize this isn't real life. People don't talk with God personally, they don't talk about love all the time (hell, most of human existence we've killed each other more than loved each other), and people need real answers to real life questions.

Otherwise, keep staring across the pew and google at V-card Mary and chastity belt. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...before she joined the church and attended regularly, before she listened to DC TALK and Mercysomething or other, she partied, boozed, and drugged with the town losers. Redemption, like sex, is free.

Unless they have crabs. I thought the Bible told you not to eat shell fish! What did you think I was talking about?

Pervert.