The Tall Tale of Tommy Teatherbed pt. 1

"You can't play Tommy...I know I promised you would, but you just...can't."

Those words would forever haunt Tommy, coach going back on his word.

13.25 years later

"You really hit the greens hard yesterday, Ted. Still, you're getting up there in your years, hadn't you better take it easy?" Marco asked.

The old man grunted and in his raspy, yet youthful voice replied, "I never take it easy. Those who take it easy are in their coffin the next day. Besides, I can't let a chink garbageman beat me."

"I was only 19 at the time and it paid well you old fart!" Marco exclaimed. "You really need to have someone examine your head, specifically for memory loss. Its been 10 years since you beat me!"

Ted grunted again in disbelief and waddled his way to the clubhouse. It's true, he thought to himself. I know I don't have my youth in me anymore but I still have my edge, it's just not as sharp anymore.

"Here, let me get the door for y---,"

"I got it bushy!" Ted cut Marco off.

"At least I can grow hair, when was the last time you had any? Vietnam?"

As Ted made his way to the clubhouse the mere mention of his war days sent him into a daydream. He could hear the drill sergeant as if he was right in front of him.

"What's the matter ass maggot?! You gonna give up? Need your teddy bear, Teddy?! You're a worthless maggot! All of ya!"

He could still hear the sounds of the helicopter in the distance as he ran towards it. His buddies screaming in the background, "Ted! Help! I can't move!"

He kept running, the helicopter so close yet---

"Ted! What the hell is the matter with you? The girl has asked you four times now, where is your damn caddy at?" Marco shouted.

Ted looked around and he was back in the clubhouse. He saw the girl staring at him from across the counter. "I--I don't know, he was supposed to be here."

The girl replied, "Well, we have one of the clubhouse guys that has nothing to do. He could carry your clubs for you."

"Does it cost anything?" Ted asked.

"No, you cheap bastard! He already makes an hourly wage. Who else is going to carry your clubs for 18 holes, you? You might collapse and die by the time we reach the first tee!" Marco chimed in.

"Whatever you say Wanger," Ted turned back towards the girl. "Yeah, that's fine. He's not one of these towel heads is he?"

The girl ignored Ted and shouted behind Ted, "Tommy! A member needs you to be his caddy for a while. Help him out!"

"Oh-kay, " Tommy said with his head down.

Tommy went over to Ted and picked up his clubs. "Careful with them dopey, they're worth more than your life," Ted said.

"Yes, s-ir," Tommy submitted.

"Are we ever going to play Ted or do you need a walker?" Marco said, standing by the door to the course.

"I'll be able to buy a scooter and run over your grave after I break a club over your head and claim the insurance money!" Ted shouted back. He turned to Tommy and said, "C'mon boy, move it so we can play. And quit slouching!"

"Yes, s-ir," Tommy replied.

It was a beautiful day outside and Ted was determined to defeat his nemesis. Ted never used to lose, in fact, before Vietnam it looked promising that he might be a budding pro golfer. Ted had beaten Marco 99 times in a row and then 10 years ago, Marco and Ted played neck and neck all the way to 18. Then---

"You daydreaming again geezer?! It's your shot and it's going to be a long day for you again, hope you live through it all! Ha, ha!" Marco laughed loudly.

"Hand me my driver, Tonky," Taid said to Tommy.

"It's Tommy, Ted," Marco interrupted.

Ted ignored Marco and Tommy rustled through Ted's golf bag. "And quit slouching, you walk like your ass is broken, Tonky."

"Yes, s-ir," Tommy replied as he handed Ted his driver. Ted stepped up to the tee and hit his ball. It was a decent shot but a good 20 yards short of Marco's. Marco started walking down the fairway and Ted followed a little behind.

"Get my clubs and move it honkey," Ted shouted back to Tommy.

"Yes, s-ir," Tommy obeyed.

He picked the clubs up and walked next to Ted. Ted glanced at Tommy and asked, "What's wrong with you boy? Are you slow in the head?" Tommy said nothing and kept his head down. "Why do you keep looking down? You're not a dog, is your ass broken after all?"

Tommy replied, "No, s-ir."

"Well, walk straight up and quit staring at the ground, there's nothing down there. And quit calling me s-ir, you talk like your tongue has a hole in it."

Ted looked over as Tommy said, "Okay," and noticed his tongue had some sort of metal piece in it.

"What the hell is that boy?" Ted asked, pointing to Tommy's tongue.

"It's a tongue piercing," Tommy responded.

"Goddamn, what the hell is wrong with you? You walk like your ass is broken and you put a metal rod through your tongue, what the hell for?" They were almost to Ted's golf ball. "Take that stupid shit out."

Tommy looked back at Ted in disbelief. "Wh-at?"

"I said take it out...right now! Do it!"

Tommy obeyed again, stuck his tongue out and took out the tongue ring.

"That's better," as Ted lined up next to his ball. "Now, hand me a five iron and speak to me like you're human and don't have a spoon up your ass."

"Yes, sir." Tommy looked through the clubs again and handed Ted a five iron.

Ted lined up next to the ball and got in position to hit it. "Hey, Tonky," Ted said to his caddy, "pay attention to what I'm doing. Have you ever played golf before?"

"C'mon Ted, stop messing with kid and hit the ball," Marco interceded.

"Shut up Chan. I'll take as long as I want," he turned back to Tommy. "Have you ever played?"

"No, sir."

"Watch. See how I'm standing, how I take a couple of practice swings to get a feel? Keep your eye on the ball and swing through with your hips, like this."

Ted hit the ball and it plopped on the green, 15 yards from the tee. Tommy looked back at Ted in amazement and with an excited look on his face. "Nice shot, Ted, even for an old fogey like yourself," Marco stated.

"I want you to pay attention to what I'm doing Tonky, quit walking like your ass is broken, and listen to what I say? Got it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Alright, now that the spoon is out of your ass, I'm going to be your tutor and teach you how to play."

Tommy stared at Ted in amazement and disbelief. He was so excited he could hardly contain himself.

"Quit staring like that too! And move your ass, Marco just hit his ball and we're up to putt."