Quick and Timely Observations

Random shit that I don't have enough to do an entire blog on:

Why the hell do some women (I guess homosexual men and transvestites would be in this grouping too) shave off their eyebrows and draw them back on? What are you, some sort of human doll? Okay, so if you had cancer and lost them that way...understandable. If you don't have cancer then you're insulting everyone who does. If you're a swimmer...man, you're obsessed, weird, and a little creepy. I mean, does having no eyebrows really increase your time? And what is it? A fraction of a second? What are you trying to prove? Unless you're a fish (i.e. Michael Phelps) you're just not going to get any faster by butchering your face.

The Mercedes symbol is an upside down PEACE symbol. Who are they trying to fool? If they're peace, love, and dope then why do they fail the emission standards tests on their vehicles every year, refuse to change, and just pony up the fine that goes along with it? I guess that's part of being PEACE backwards.

Speaking of Mercedes and BMW, why do people even buy these vehicles? I mean, Mercedes and BMW cars look just like Honda Civics, Kia Amantis, and Hyundai Sonatas. You know how you see a slick black Mercedes and BMW and you say, "damn, that's a nice car." Get you one of the aforementioned vehicles that cost $50,000 less, a can of turtle wax, and BAM...shiny black vehicle. These cars really aren't too indistinguishable from another. "Well, BMW has that grill on the front and these cars just.." Stop right there. You drive one of these because you want people to think you're a somebody and have some money. The cheaper cars have better warranties and Civics have unprecedented gas mileage. Besides, if your beamer or Benz ever breaks down, wonder what the bill is going to be to fix it? Save the excuses rich wannabe. The truly rich drive Rolls Royce and Ferarris.

Adam Sandler movies are not funny and if you like anything post Happy Gilmore/Bulletproof then you're a sad individual. The Waterboy is not funny. Bobby Bouche was simply a preview of the idiotic Will Ferrell movies on the horizon. Big Daddy had both Sandler and Jon Stewart...except Jon Stewart was in a serious role and didn't bring any comic relief. Plus, I don't care about the serious story of the abandoned kid anymore. Its become so trivialized that you don't even flinch. Click was predictable from the start. Punch Drunk Love flopped. Anger Management was a huge disappointment. I guess he only cares about fat paychecks from Disney now.

Has anyone ever tried to light a bag of dog shit on someone's door? I tried it once with Brandon. We waited behind this shed next to an alley to do it because this goddamn woman across the lot was taking her dog out for a shit. All the sudden we heard rustling behind us and this gigantic shadowy creature was walking towards us. I got the hell out of the shadows and Brandon didn't know why I did until he looked behind him. Right about that time the shitting dog saw us and decided to give chase while the owner yelled "Who is that?!" I took off running down the alley and when I got to the end Brandon wasn't there. A few minutes later he showed up and apparently the dog chased him around the neighborhood. Too bad too, that would've been funny as hell.

The other day I had someone finally tell me what the big damn deal is with World of Warcraft. Have you seen those commercials with Mr. T and other celebrities who have custom made characters that look like them in the game? Yeah, this Walmart employee told me about it and apparently there is some truth behind people who sit at home in their underwear (actually they're probably naked) and do nothing but play this game all day. You cast spells, talk in Warcraft tongue, and save the world from demons. I never understood why anyone wants to destroy the world anyway...I mean, they'll die too right? That kind of sucks. Once you achieve ultimate victory you never get to appreciate it because you're dead too. So what is the point? Anyway...

One time I set off a stink bomb at the old Hardee's in Boonville.

Has anyone ever seen someone walk out of a bathroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe? I really want to see that happen just once. Something about it seems hilarious.

Do you ever laugh to keep an even keel? I have the worst habit of it. Someone says something and I don't really know what the appropriate reaction is...I pretend laugh. Everyone is guilty of it. I really want to stop because a lot of times the shit people say really isn't that funny, even when they're trying to be. I can't watch sitcoms because they're supposed to be funny but I never laugh. There's even can laughter that's supposed to tell you when a joke has been to told but I don't understand what's funny.

You know why it's bad to laugh to keep an even keel? You don't know when someone is being serious. The other day I did a tax return for someone and I have to ask if their dependents are disabled. The guy sighed, looked at his son, and said not for this purpose, which I took to be a joke. After a small laugh he said his son has down syndrome. Whoops. It was kind of awkward the rest of the way.

Why is it considered sexy somewhere in the depths of the hell known as Hollywood for women to be anorexic and skinny/boney as can be? Why is THAT considered sexy? Trust me Victoria Beckham, the only one who wants you is your husband (although, according to some stories he was banging the maid who is the exact opposite of her). If there is someone out there who likes the idea of having sex with a skeleton, could you please stand up? Lindsay Lohan is the latest casualty, who should be avoided for whatever parasites are crawling in her anyway.

I forded the river and one of my fucking oxen still died.

A-Rod admitted to using steroids. The bigger question is do any of us even care? If the news is about baseball and it's in New York, apparently it takes over. New York fans act like its been forever since they won a title. Hey, you all don't have shit on the Cubs.

What is this crap between Boston and New York anyway? It's laughable, really. As much as I can't stand the Pittsburgh Steelers, I think it's awesome that a working town like Pittsburgh has the most Super Bowl titles. More than the dramatic Cowboys, Jets, Giants, and Patriots. Suck on that for a while East Coast fuckers.

Poor Jets fans...you get Brett Favre and you STILL can't win. I guess money doesn't buy championships (Cowboys fans take notice).

I'm considering starting some sort of online petition against Nicolas Cage being in any future movies. Con Air and Face/Off were okay but at the end of the day, they were both pretty silly. I mean, John Travolta and Nic Cage switching faces...that's so unrealistic and over the top it's bleeding at the seams. Even funnier? There were no stitches or scars left over from the face surgery...24 hours later. National Treasure was a decent film but doesn't have much use beyond one or maybe two viewings. Once you know where all the traps and treasures show up beforehand the movie looses all of its suspense. I don't even flinch anymore during Hostel when that one guy gets his Achilles tendons cut, he tries to walk on them, and they rip. I remember the first time, everyone in the theatre at once "Ooohh!" Now it's on the same level as High School Musical only I'd rather watch the "stars" of that movie be the next ones to get sliced and diced in these films. THAT would be worth watching multiple times. Sorry Jay Hernandez, no one cares if your head gets chopped off. Now, Ashley Tisdale and the Jonas Brothers...

I've tried to like John Mellencamp and I just can't. I love America songs are a cheap sell and don't require talent. I'm not saying he isn't talented he's just not that great. I think people around here like him simply because he's from Indiana. Yeah, well that's okay if it applies to the Colts. Not okay just to fit in...

One of the worst songs that plays all the time in stores? "Pretty Baby" by...I can't find who wrote it. You know, it says "Look around your world pretty baby/is it everything you hoped it'd be?/The wrong guy The wrong situation/The right time to roll over me"? I'm trying to find out who decided that was a good song, especially to put in a rotation. At least I don't hear "Closing Time" anymore. No one likes that song. Oh, I'm sure there is some sap out there who says "that's a great song, it fits in when you're leaving a bar late or some other place, blah blah"...oh, can it. No one even pays attention to it. The bar tenders put it on so you'll get the fuck out.

Here's another one about songs...why do so many weddings play "The Chicken Dance" and "The Hokey Pokey" at the reception? I need to bring a video camera with me the next time I experience this horror and youtube all the morons who think it's fun. Wake up call...it's not. You know what's fun? Going to a wedding where they don't play oldies, old rap songs, and music that should've died long ago but somehow keeps getting resuscitated. "What are you supposed to play then?" someone whines. Stuff you like, not the crap that everyone else knows the lines to. So there you have it, "The Hokey Pokey" (which, if you know me, the word hokey and I don't get along) and the dance where you flop your elbow fat like you have wings, pinch nipples, and then squat and rotate (what pervert thought this up?) are hereby banned at my wedding. And no, I won't be playing the greatest song in the world "People=Shit" at my wedding (although I will be thinking about it).

You know what is great about Playboy magazine? The articles. Okay insecure women and perverts out there, call me a liar. If that's the case, make two editions of the magazine, one with the photos and one without. It has one of the only honest forums for politics and life as we know it left. Of course, it has to be in a nude magazine but you know what the magazine is about more than anything else? Free speech. Fuck all those conservatives out there. Always talking about their guns and morals. Wanting to tell everyone which position is okay for sex when they've committed sex offenses. These are the same people who call Obama "Satan in the flesh" (you think I'm kidding? I had someone just come out and say that while I was doing his tax return...this dude could be a pedorass too, spend five minutes with him and you'd agree) and cry about the new stimulus bill when they voted a guy in office for eight years that didn't do anything but raise the federal deficit and slash jobs. News flash, you all really don't know anything about politics or economics. All you do is make America look stupid and hold us back.

I like fried chicken.