More Quick and Timely Observations

Hey, because writing a long blog on one topic can wear itself out:

Billie Joe Armstrong needs to take the eye liner off. I've been told by some women that there is some sort of indescribable "hotness" about him. You want to know what else is indescribable? Why he still dresses and acts like he's 20 when he's fast approaching 40? So yeah, I know Green Day had their big return album a few years back and yeah, I own it but he's weird. I could probably be a fan of this guy, especially considering how unapologetically outspoken he is, but punk rock is dead (it has been retitled EMO also known as SHIT IN MY EARS) and he isn't breakthrough or rebellious anymore.

Yesterday, I witnessed a Walmart cheer/chant during one of their huddle meetings. I shit you not, the managers got all riled up, got the associates clapping in unison, and they went with a W, A, L, M (the guy said the wrong letter the first time, damn the alphabet in kindergarten), A, R, T...what's that spell? PATHETIC. C'mon, these people work at the cheapest retailer in the world and don't make shit for salary (don't believe me? full time associate who has been here for multiple years whose tax return I prepared? $24,000...nice). They don't give a shit, they just want to punch in, collect their paycheck, and booze up so they can forget for a while that their job sucks.

Which reminds me...you don't like to wait in line? Don't shop at Walmart, Target, or any other massive retailer. Go ahead...huff, puff, tap your foot...it won't do any good. If you don't like waiting, shop online and ship it to your house. You think you could go faster? Work there for a while then. By the end of the week, you'll be talking about people being shitty towards you even though you're going as fast as possible. You need your items and crap immediately and don't like relying on the mail? Shop here then and get some patience. It's not wonder so many kids end up spoiled rotten, fall behind in school, and never develop properly. "Dammit son! The first time I tried walking I was only 8 months and I managed to make it across the room without falling on my face!" I guess we should give up on trying to play pitch and catch.

Where are my welfare haters out there? I'm ready for a war. Save your horror stories you've seen/heard about welfare. If you read it in a newspaper, saw it on TV, or heard a friend tell a friend then tell you about it...it's probably wrong/inaccurate/another horror story. Let's state for the record: Welfare is not intended for the mother with 6 kids from 5 different father. Birth control and possible sterilization are what is intended for her (for the fathers too). We all know about those horror stories so shelve them up there with last decade's news (you know, where Bill Clinton sexcapades and the championship runs of the Cowboys/Bulls/Yankees reside...anything about Sarah Palin will belong here for this decade). Welfare is intended for that single parent who receives no support from the other parent because of death/incompetence and has very little or not support from their family. Like I said (for those of you who don't pay attention very well) it's not intended for someone to have/support multiple children because all they know how to do is make babies. It's a last resort, a means to get by until someone can afford a babysitter so they can return to work. There will always be abusers in any system, don't act like this is the exception!

Want to know how to figure out what restaurants you shouldn't eat at due to poor sanitation (people who don't wear gloves/wash their hands/pick their nose while preparing your meal)? Take a trip to their restroom. If that restroom is nasty, those in charge don't give a shit if your burger has a pube or two and a little dead skin/dandruff as a garnish. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Okay, I'm going to share one of the all time funniest observations I have ever heard. If this offends some of you...well, you know what you should do. My dad told me sometime in high school a method to determine if someone is obese. What is it? Obese people walk with their palms facing out. We were in the mall and he told me to look around and see what he is talking about it. It's true! People who aren't obese and walk with their hands at their sides have their palms turned in towards their legs. It was hilarious and still is...think of it as rowing a boat. They're creating extra momentum to make themselves mobile.

Developing and refining your music taste takes a long time. Prior to hearing my first Metallica song at the age of 12 (it was off Load and it's called "Ain't My Bitch"...lol) I really didn't like music very much. I mean, "Walk Like an Egyptian" was still in rotation on the radio. There were a couple of songs I heard when I was younger that I liked but my family didn't really approve of me watching MTV at a young age (you know, back when it was cool and there was actually music on it). I remember hearing "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Black Hole Sun", and "She Moves in Mysterious Ways" and liking all those songs. But it wasn't meant to be for a while. Prior to college here are a list of embarrasing CDs I owned (hey, you owned some too, I would like to hear what everyone else is ashamed of):

Ricky Martin's first CD
Backstreet Boys "Milennium"
Better than Ezra's first CD
Mortal Kombat Annilation
Matchbox 20 "Yourself or Someone Like You"
The City of Angels soundtrack

I still have two Smashmouth CDs that I can't stand and will probably end up throwing away so if you want them they're yours.

Speaking of music taste, I'm so thankful my dad is dating someone who finally has an interest in music, even if it is country. I don't like country, but if it keeps him from listening to Gloria Estefan, Celine Dion, and Mambo No. 5...I'm on board.

Does every girl have a connection between herself, her dad, and the song "Butterfly Kisses"?

Here's another funny one (although I could kill myself for not keeping the evidence to back it up)...I was reading the food inspection reports for Evansville during senior year of high school and one of the violations was for this Chinese restaurant that used to be on Morgan Avenue:

Critical violation: Origin of meat unknown.

I'm not lying! I swear I saw it in the newspaper. This place closed down shortly thereafter but imagine if you ate there right around the time this was published! You could be eating kitty kat and dog intestines! "Hey, server...I'll have the set of dog balls with a side of hamster to go! Hold the piss and vinegar this time too!" Someone at the newspaper had to type that. And excuse me, but this is just a "critical" violation? Goddamn, I would hate to see what happens if they started serving rat turds and poison at a restaurant. Would that still classify as a critical violation or a mildly "don't eat this shit or you might die" violation?

Why is downtown Evansville called "The District"? I mean, the name "downtown" works just fine but then again, Evansville's downtown more closely resembles the sights, sounds, and energetic activity that takes place at a funeral home. Casino Aztar is the lowest paying out Casino in the state of Indiana plus they were (maybe still are?) under investigation by some gambling regulation board. You might as well call your bank and ask them to throw a bondfire for its members using your cash.

Why does anyone think that using meth is a good idea? I guess some people get turned on by zombified, stringy haired freaks with rotting teeth. Plus the shit stinks for miles. And it can blow up your house. You see stories all the time in local papers "Police bust meth lab". It makes you think of people in white coats chopping up some substance like you see in movies. The "lab" could be the trunk of a car. Plus, the pictures of the dumbasses that get caught are a cross between hilarious and disturbing. What's really funny though is the local police act like they had a thorough "investigation" to bust this menace to society. The investigation involved driving around town and smelling for ammonia in between traffic stops and donut breaks at the hospital.

Prediction: Sears/Kmart will be dead by the end of the year.

Touching on sports again, if the Detriot Lions draft Matt Stafford or Mark Sanchez, they'll be looking at the next Joey Harrington (making over $60 million the next six years). I'll share a little tip for all those who follow football/NFL draft on QBs...there are two stats that are inextricably linked to success as a QB in the NFL...the number of starts in college and completion %. If you can't complete more than 60% of your passes in a much slower college world, you're doomed. Just ask Shaun King, J.P. Losman, Patrick Ramsey, and Jake Plummer. Women, if you're reading this and want to jab a guy that you know more than he does about the NFL, there you go.

Feeding off what I just said, that means Colt McCoy from Texas will be phenomenal when he's draft eligible.

You know how you see these studies that men think about sex all the time? I don't know if that's true but here's my two cents. If a guy thinks about sex ALL the time he's got problems. Seriously. I'm not saying I don't think about sex, of course I do. But not the 1.6 seconds all these dumb women's magazines talk about. The only times I ever constantly thought about sex was before I ever had it, after I had it the first time, if I hadn't had sex in a while (couple weeks to a month), or if my sex life sucked (everyone goes through this eventually). Sure, I think about it at various times throughout the day but not constantly. Usually it's a momentary thought and I go back to what I'm doing. But I feel how I think about it is as close to normal as can be. The ones who think about it that much are pedorasses, rapists, and junior high/high school kids (although, every now and then you hear about elementary school gets getting it on...it feels wrong to even say that).

What is bologna made of?