Even More Quick and Timely Observations

Creativity is just bursting at the seams with this title:

If I hear/see another commercial about the switch to digital television I might have a hemmorage. Are there really people out there who still get their television through an antennae? If there is such a thing as the modern stone age, analog television is being watched by cavemen. Sorry Geico, apparently it's so easy a caveman CAN'T do it. Hell, switching to cable is so easy there are "technicians" who come out to your house, put the cable cord into the back of the plastic wonder, and even show you how to use the remote (this is the equivalent of stone age cavemen refusing to use the wheel). The most torturesque (is this a word? I'll ask Dubya) aspect of all of this? The date has been extended until June. Goddamn it. You mean to tell me after nearly a year of advertising and broadcasting to the slowest of the slow amongst the unretarded and the farmers/hicks/hillbillys who still live off dirt/gravel roads (apparently that still exists too...just found that out this past weekend) we're extending the deadline because "we" (I sure as shit don't belong in the "we" part of this context) aren't ready for the switch? Not only that, but the government ran out of coupons for the converter boxes? How many analog TVs are still out there? Apparently everyone has missed the hidden message. The government didn't underestimate how many analog sets were still in use out there...they underestimated how many people are this inept with technology and still use sundials to tell what time it is.

Who are these cavemen? Hasn't anyone here ever been to the Evansville Fall Festival? If those fucking people don't live in caves somewhere I would be afraid to see what modern cavemen really look like. The truly strange come out of hibernation for that event every October. Why? Well, why else do bears wake up? To eat!

It amazes me daily how many people have no clue how to plug in their TV/DVD player/computer still. What the hell is so hard about it? It's time for a little education (or what I like to call common sense). Computers: everything has a unique cord that plugs into the computer tower (I'm not talking about a building but the real big plastic thingamajig/dohickey/get some new 2nd grade words for your broken vocabulary)...what does that mean? If the cord doesn't fit into the hole, it doesn't go there! Hell, most of the new desktops (that's what you call a computer that...goes on top of a desk) have color coded slots and cords to aid you (you know what this reminds me of? toddlers playing with shapes...junior grabs the square peg but damn, it just won't fit in that round hole...but guess what? instead of trying the other shape next to his chubby foot, he grabs the fake plastic hammer and tries to beat it in...yeah, if you don't understand this lingo, apparently you never fit the the shapes into the right holes). DVD players: this comes with yellow, red, and white cords. The holes they go into are guess what colors? Yellow, red, and white. You can't add the shapes excuse here and everyone knows what their favorite color is (which means you have to know which colors you don't like too). Cable boxes: there is only one cord most times which means there is only one slot it fits in. If it might possibly have more than one cord? Follow the color coding scheme mentioned above.

Not to beat a dead horse too much but I refuse to not advance with technology. Why the hell did our parents/grandparents not do this? "It moves too fast/changes too much...." shut the hell up right now. Everyone complains about this shit changing so fast...why? Because tape decks and record players are dead? CDs have been around for 20 years...that's not fast. DVDs have been around for over 10 years. Computer have been around for almost 30 years. Cell phones? More than 10 years (longer than that if you count those chunky car phones and those annoying old pagers). You know what I decided? These people are slow. I mean, if you lived in a cave (apparently this extends beyond the fall festival weirdos) and didn't watch any TV at all or read any newspapers, yeah, jumping from tape decks into MP3 players is a pretty intimidating leap. But all parents and grandparents read the newspaper so the world isn't moving that fast your just moving that slow.

Is there such a thing as rocket science?

When the news is slow for a local area (i.e. not enough tragic/frightening things to talk about locally) what do they do instead? Talk about other areas' tragedies! I swear, the news exists only to keep everyone afraid. The other day the Evansville news talked about some school bus crash in Georgia. No one died. Why is this relevant? Even if a kid died, why is this relevant? Angelina Jolie, why do we give a shit about all the names of your 27 kids?

Does anyone do anything who wins American Idol? Even the losers, do they do much of anything? Apparently Jennifer Hudson is the only one and it seems she wants nothing to do with that show. To think, America snubbed the best voice ever on that show (translation: Fox TV producers). Hearing Simon make fun of all the nimrods at the beginning is the only enduring entertainment aspect of it. Apparently (I wouldn't know, I haven't been watching) the producers took that part of the show away to make the competition more "legit". Does anyone else think that is funny? Are all the people on there from the past illegitimate losers then? Even the winners? (hell, Ruben Studdard might be dead, remember how big he was? Kelly Clarkson is heading down that same path too...)

This should be a warning to another American Idol contestant, Chris Daughtry. Oh yeah, I'm going to have some haters out there but you all can suck on this. You're never supposed to name a band after your own name. Dave Matthews Band doesn't count because the word "band" is in it and it gives the impression that the other people in the band actually matter or contribute to the music. Don't believe me? Here are a few bands who did the same: Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson (he's not successful, you just see him everywhere...do Christians still hate this guy (Bozo) ?).

My dad ordered prime rib from a restaurant last Sunday. He had to chose between the 10oz and the 16oz. Feeling hungry, he went with the 16oz. Unfortunately for him, that extra 6oz is one of the biggest hunks of fat I have ever seen on beef. Is there a lesson behind all of this? Not really, just be prepared to eat a lot of blubber if you pay the extra money for the bigger portion.

No more excuses for men refusing to take care of themselves. You hear one of two things all the time: guys who take care of themselves are gay or some sort of story that is supposed to make man stink and other things that are gross sound appealing (like Matthew McConaughey refusing to wear deodarant). This day is dead and the guys who make the gay/metrosexual comments don't get laid very often.

I'm sure there are some guys and probably even some girls who are going to deny what I said and claim men being men (translation: dirty assholes smelling like dirty assholes) is hot. Today, this guy was sitting in front of me at my office leader convention. He was actually dressed appropriately (lots of people don't know what this means, for guys it's a button-up shirt, pants, and a tie) but as the meeting started to drag I noticed his ensemble was also complete with bad dry scalp/dandruff hanging out on the back of his collar/shoulders. You think it might have been snowing outside if you saw this shit. He then proceeded to scratch his head the remainder of the SIX hour meeting and I backed up a few feet. I also made sure to hover over my plate of food because I'm sure that shit was floating in the air too.

This is GROSS and there is no excuse. It isn't men being men, it's dirty people being nasty. Let me help some men out (some women too)...my face sometimes gets kind of dry. What does that mean? It means I'll shed some dead skin kind of like our nasty friend I just mentioned. Instead of spreading my flakes into the air for the world to breathe I put some "guy" moisturizer on my face and it prevents it from happening. If you have some sort of disgusting trait like this, take care of it...I prefer eating real salt on my food, not people salt.

Other observations I saw today: women with hair that is way too short. Some women can pull off short hair...when you start looking like Harry Potter (complete with glasses, no makeup, and eerily similar clothing) it's time for a change. I also saw someone wearing a courderoy sports jacket. He'll probably claim he's in style simply because he's black but you aren't fooling me, you look straight out of the 80s.

Informercial of the Day: Cash4Gold.com. Surely you all have witnessed this autrocity of a commercial. Bill Nye the Science Guy advertises this scam. Of course, nothing beats the testimonials (do these actually work?): "I had n-yo ide-ya my g-wold was worth s-low much m-woney" says the Stoned Old Lady with the poorly applied makeup. "I sent in my diamond wedding band from my first marriage and got money the very next day!" says the Trying to be Cute Latino Lady who probably sold Stoned Lady her drugs (yeah right, like these assholes would express mail her a check that quickly...unless they used half the $50 dollars to pay for the postage). "I g-wot $600 dollars from Cash4Gold.com. That's a lot of cold hard cash" says James Earl Jones wannabe (there's something racist about this guy saying this...I can't quite put my finger on it though). "Send in your broken, unwanted, and mismatched jewelry with satisfaction guaranteed!" says Bill Nye. He's trying to convince you any way he can that you don't want any of your jewelry and they'll give you "top dollar" (never understood this expression either...I mean, what if the top dollar is a torn up $2 dollar bill?). Something I'm dying to do is dig out my old rock collection box and send in my nugget of Fool's Gold. He can even pay me in Monopoly Play Money.

Why does anyone wear leather jackets?