Quick and Timely Observations 2/26

"I've got information...man. New shit has come to light!" I would like to thank The Dude from the The Big Lebowski for being such an inspiration in my life:

Apparently everyone thinks they are a CEO and lead complex, difficult lives. Why the fuck else would everyone need a Blackberry or an iPhone? I used to not see too many Blackberries but since the iPhone "revolution" they're everywhere! Give me a break. I don't want to hear any bullshit from any of these people who own one for personal use instead of business use that they don't have any money or they're broke. I know how much it costs, I had one for almost a month! Why did I have one? Verizon sent me this offer in the mail for a free Blackberry Pearl upgrade regardless of rather you're eligible for an upgrade or not. My phone was breaking down so hell, why not? Yeah, that was until I got my bill for over $100 bucks and realized the data plan was NOT optional. Why do I have any need to access the internet or my email from my phone? If you need to get a hold of me so bad, guess what you do? CALL MY DAMN PHONE. Wow, I forgot that's why phones exist anyway. I thought they existed so we could play games and act like we're really important even though no one even knows who we are! I returned my Blackberry, got a different phone, and went back to my $50 dollar phone plan (which is still too high).

Oh yeah, it's time for an iPhone beatdown. How much were these damn things when they were first released? $599! Then 2 1/2 months later they were $399! Excuse me, where does this money exist? Next time someone who owns one of these gadgets complains about the cost of gas, children, and groceries point to the device and say "Free phones exist when you renew your contract and plans start at $40 bucks, apparently you're too worried about being cool or giving the impression you actually have money!" The funny thing about the morons who paid the initial pricing? There were bugs in the devices. This goes along with my technology speech from the last blog. Never, EVER buy the first generation of a device no matter what it is! It's overpriced because there are people out there who think if they don't own the latest gizmo they're a nobody and they have no friends. In addition, all devices have unknown issues that are corrected in the 2nd and 3rd releases. The worst part about this device? Paying for the applications! What the hell is that all about? This is starting to sound like some sort of scam. You now own a neat device but you have to pay more for programs you think you "need." I guess it's no different than a computer, but the programs are excessive. Tip calculators? Divide your bill by 5 and that's your tip (wait, isn't our country like 25th in the world as far as math and problem solving knowledge? so that's why these programs exist! damn pencils and paper, if they didn't exist then we would actually have a valid excuse for owning these things!). There's an application for saying 'Yo Mama' jokes. C'mon...I remember saying those jokes in 6th grade! Someone actually pays for this? Balancing Your Checkbook, Learning Spanish, Your Own Private Diary...maybe it's me but if everyone is so concerned with identity theft, keeping all my information on one device doesn't exactly seem like a good idea.

So now I have a few out there claiming they do use it for business. Did the company issue it? Because if they didn't then you're pretty much full of shit too. The district managers where I work have them and they're all company issued. They have to have them, they get so many emails it's the only way to keep in touch with everyone (although the importance of the emails is debateable). So consider this a wake up call. Next time you bust out your Blackberry Storm (how does the name Storm and a touch device have any name relation again?) to show off your portable internet capabilities realize this...no one cares.

Last thing about phones, I promise. If you throw your phone around, drop it, sit on it, or leave it
out in a hot/cold car regularly, quit complaining that your phone doesn't work properly or that it has issues. If you drop a glass or a plate, what happens? It breaks!

Don't you hate accidental eye contact? Surely everyone has experienced this. You're at a restaurant or some public place and you happen to just take a look around here and there. Suddenly you make eye contact with someone else and even worse...you can't quit looking in that direction because now you're wondering if that person is staring at you still. It gets better. If that person is of the opposite sex, it's even worse. You start thinking that this person thinks you find them attractive. Now you're getting a little hot and all you want to say is "Quit looking this way! I made accidental eye contact, fugly!" Yeah, I hate that too.

How stupid does someone have to be to wear Uggs? That name is short for a word: UGLY. When you find something unpleasant, how does someone grunt? Ugh. So there you have it, Uggs are just what the name implies: ugly and unpleasant. The designer decided they wanted to make something as hideous as possible and see how many people would buy it. Apparently the same people who designed these boots also designed Camaros/Firebirds/Corvettes. If we all wanted to see the Batmobile, we'll just watch Batman. Thanks.

You know the biggest sham on a job application? "Have you ever been convicted of a crime or felony? If so, this will not disqualify you from employment consideration." Some people need to read between the lines, consideration does not mean hired. Oh sure, whenever I've looked at applications that had those things I considered the person...before I read that part. Everyone is always being considered before their application ends up in the trash can. Sorry, if you were caught dealing/using cocaine (seen it), domestic abuse (seen it), stealing (seen it), or playing with yourself in the bathroom at work and were charged with indecent exposure (haven't seen that) then your application ends up in permanent consideration. If you have something like this, hopefully you're applying at Taco Bell or Walmart.

One time during an interview, I asked an applicant what customer service means to him. His reponse? "Treating the customers good," he says while barely looking me in the eye, slouching in his seat, and fidgeting way too much. Now I know why you're a truck driver. Next.

I had someone in a meeting last week state that most people will "talk about their sex lives before they'll say a word about their taxes or finances." Right about that time, the 300 plus pound lady in her 60s started to pipe up about her sex life and I got so disgusted I must've tuned out what she said because all I remember were a few uncomfortable laughs to keep an even keel. The second she even made a sound I should've said "stop right there...don't say a word, don't finish a sentence...you made noise and everyone else is already wishing you hadn't because now, we have visuals we don't want."

I used to fake sick in junior high so I could stay home and play the new PlayStation game I just bought. I hated junior high, so that didn't help out either, but I was a pro at it. When I bought Final Fantasy 7 I was sick for a week. Hey, it's not like I missed anything, small town schools don't exactly prepare you for life after high school (I guess that's why everyone gets a job pushing buttons at a factory or doing the same thing over and over on an assembly line, hopefully you can do one thing right!).

Infomercial of the Day: Snuggies. That's right, the amazing sleeved blankets. Watch the Trying to be Attractive Lady smile as she reads while wearing her monk's garb! Rabbis are pissed right now, everyone is wearing their uniforms! Here comes the scene where everyone who tries to stay warm under a blanket just can't get comfortable and oh, how they toss and turn! Read while staying warm...roast marshmellows in your rainbow robe...get some for your whole family so you all can sit outside next to the fire pit and do absolutely nothing but you're having a good time and smiling because you're sweating your dick off under that blanket with sleeves. Look! There's the whole fam with their friends at a sporting event (complete with the smallest bleachers in existence...they must be watching soccer!) and they all jump up in unison while everyone else around them is moving to the other side of the field to avoid these creepers. It's the coolest invention around, everyone will just love you for owning them (mostly because they're laughing so hard when you're not looking...by the way, this came out back in 1998 and was called the "Slanket").

How does having a firm handshake mean a goddamn thing?