Quick and Timely Observations (4/13)

Some recent surveys found kids aren't able to point out the US on a map. Why do you think this is Miss Teen South Carolina 2007? "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future." Have you ever seen Billy Madison where during the Q&A segment towards the end, the host responds to Adam Sandler by saying "what you just said is the most insanely idiotic thing I've ever heard in my life, everyone in this room is now dumber"? Yeah, this girl belongs in this category and it proves that these competitions are only about looks, money, and who you know and not intelligence. How else would this girl have made it on here? Somehow, she ended up on the Today show and was able to defend herself. I wonder who her parents know...anyway, this ended up being longer than I anticipated so I might as well post her follow up response on her Today show appearance:

"Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe that there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will know how to read maps better."

Geography? I'm still speechless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

I cannot begin to express how stupid someone's car (usually a truck) looks with that little kid or Bugs Bunny pissing on...something. Usually someone who owns a Chevy truck has something pissing on Ford. Or vice versa. You don't like Jeff Gordon (I don't like Nascar period, it is not a sport either)? Get a sticker with that stupid ass kid pissing on #24. Ooooooh, is that supposed to upset someone? You don't like Jeff Gordon OR Chevy? No one gives a shit. And what is this fascination with urine? Especially little boys pissing? Sounds a little pedophile-ish. Besides, why would you want to decorate your pretty truck with someone pissing? Yes, I said pretty truck because that's what it is to you...you don't actually use that truck or its 400 horsepower towards its intended purpose. Oh sure, you might haul your friend's sofa for them and pretend to be a tough, hardworking guy, but I'm not fooled. Which reminds me...

Going along with the pissing kids and animals, why does someone put flames on their car? The one I see the most often is Ford trucks with magnetic metal flames around the Ford symbol on the back of the truck. Lame. Stupid. Unoriginal. UN-interesting. I also see vehicles with grills on the front that resemble flames. Waste of money. Not intimidating. Laughable. Let's face it, if you want someone to be impressed with your vehicle, you better be prepared to spend $250,000 or more on it. Ha, you laugh out loud. Why is that? We've already seen your vehicle 500 times...we've all seen flames, decals, oversized mufflers, rims on Dodge Neons, ground effects, tented windows, oversized spoilers, stupid looking spoilers, spoilers on trucks (?), fog lamps, colored fog lamps, TVs in cars, custom paint jobs, big tires, bigger tires, and skulls where the eyes light up on the back of your car when you hit the brakes...we've all seen this cheap looking crap thousands of times and no one is impressed anymore. If you are impressed? Well, I guess your pussy or your penis is for sale because all it takes to win you over is fake wealth and a Dodge Neon with a big muffler. Or a Mistubishi Eclipse. Wow, cool defined. You probably still eat Pizza Rolls too.

Really...the amount of money you invest in your crappy little vehicle to "customize (stupify)" it, you could've saved that and bought a pretty nice vehicle that didn't need all that goofy ass, overdone crap you just wasted your money on. Like I said, you want to impress someone with a vehicle purchase? Roll up in a Lamborghini. Want to turn heads for real? (what do I mean by for real? we're looking because we like what we see...not because your muffler is making a loud humming sound and it sounds like your windows are going to fall out from the bass shaking them) Pull up next to someone in a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren. No, not your regular Mercedes that doesn't look any different than a Kia Amanti. We've all seen those 5000 times too. Ooooh, you drive a Lexus...nice vehicle to own, but I see those daily. Show me a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti. But even the cars I mentioned, it'll get a few head turns but I'm not going to ask for your autograph. Maybe there are plenty of people out there shallow enough to blow the person driving the car just because they're impressed by it. Still, I can't fathom owning anything just to get blow jobs.

In other news, a woman reported her suitcase missing right around the same time a little girl went missing in her neighborhood. A short time later, they find the suitcase in a lake with the little girl's body inside it. First off, who reports luggage as missing or stolen unless you're at an airport? Second off, how stupid can you possibly be?

The other day in Wal-Mart, I walked past women's shoes and there was this girl dressed in this ridiculous outfit that you'd only see on The Hills or some retarded show like that. Not only that, she had sunglasses on inside. The shoe department is nowhere near outdoors. Who do you think you are? Audrina Patridge? Not that she's anyone significant or like she's contributed any usefulness to society anyway (want to know something really funny about Audrina? she thinks she's so hot and something special...she sent nude pictures to Playboy before she was "famous" and they turned her down). You're shopping for shoes...IN WAL-MART. Not Rodeo Drive, WAL-MART. Plus, you live in Indianapolis. Not Beverly Hills. I'll look for you in the JCPenney catalog. (that's probably a stretch...perhaps, the Dollar General junk mail ads?)

I don't understand why anyone ever goes to Purdue (unless you're an Engineering major who can't get in to Rose-Hulman). West Lafayette sucks, there's nothing to do there. Plus, there is a 10-1 guy to girl ratio. And most Purdont students are pretty rude for no reason. Maybe it's because I'm an IU Alumni or that I like being around girls and not a constant sausage fest that I never got along with Boilermakers. Or maybe it's because the majority of people at IU were pretty friendly and easy to meet (Greeks don't count...they can keep their STD houses). Or maybe because Bloomington has tons of stuff to do. Anyway you slice it, if something has too much penis you should probably stay away.

I also recently discovered that Purdont is home to something called the "White Trash Bash." Well, at least they're not completely dillusional.

Anyway, story time! When I worked at McDonald's when I was in high school, I had to work a lot of Saturday mornings. Most of the time, I preferred to make the food (time went by faster) but not for breakfast. You know the round eggs that are on McMuffins? Those are real eggs, don't freak out yet. But if you've ever cooked eggs before, you know a lot of times after the egg is cracked, a few pieces of the shell break off and get in the egg. Well, this happened a McDonald's too, but I was cracking eggs on a hot grill so it was tough to get the shell pieces out without burning your fingers. I got tired of that after a while, so I quit picking the egg shell pieces out. So if you ever get something crunchy with your Egg McMuffin, now you know what it is (hopefully).

Some of you have often pondered if the workers fuck with people's food. A lot of you have probably seen the movie Waiting and wondered if that really happens to food. Well, I've never seen anyone put pubes in food. But I've seen it happen before (I did it myself a few times). Oh, that's gross/wrong you say. Well, we didn't do it randomly. If you were shitty to someone who worked there, well, chances are you got some spit on your food.

So what was the worst I ever saw? Well, I was back in grill and someone ordered some nuggets. I was just putting them in the box like always when the girl who was taking orders in drive-thru came up to me and said "Give me those nuggets!" Okay, I handed them over. She proceeded to snot all over them. "This woman was a fucking bitch!" She hands them back to me with the lid closed. Yep, that's right...don't be shitty to people that make your food.

Does anyone watch MTV anymore? They really need to change the station name. It pains me the rebel music video station that I grew up with only has shows where people argue on it anymore.

I think Gene Keady and Donald Trump should switch hair pieces for a week.

Infomercial of the Day: SlapChop Food Chopper. Vince is back with an amazing invention NO ONE should be without. Wow! That potato is in 3 pieces in a second! Slap it a few more times and it's menced! Everyone likes mushrooms with potatoes, chop it up too! Vince and his headset reminds you, you HATE making salads, but damnit, you need salad in your diet! What can we ever do? Slap it! Vince reminds us that tuna in a can is...boring! Damn, boring tuna, what the hell! Throw it in your salad and BAM, Tuna Salad! No way! You have an exciting life now, because we have tuna salad! Yes! Need a quick breakfast? No problem! Boil an egg, throw in a pickle (?), green onions, and a little ham...slap it up, bam! Little pieces of egg/pickle/ham casarole to scoop up and eat off your shirt!

What's next Vince? "You're going to love my nuts!" (I'm not sure that hooker in Miami does) Throw some nuts and some Oreos together (?) and wham! Nuts and oreos mixed together! (must be a new receipe) You're going to slap away, everyday! Easy to clean too! How is that? It pops open like a butterfly! Any other chopper can't be cleaned, you can't take it apart! It's garbage! Take the skin off garlic and onions! No more tears, Vince tells you, life is hard enough as it is! Goddamn right! American will be skinny again, one slap at a time!

Black Jacket Teleprompter Reading Lady tells us it's very quick, a time saver for receipes! Mr. Random Shirt (you have to see it to believe it) says it's easy, take it apart, throw it in the drawer, put it together, no problem! Grandma Ugly Visor and Ruffled Shirt is laughing because it's so easy! Chop with one hand, wow! Vince is going to give you the Graty too when you order! Throw in cheese for tacos, fettucine, linguini, martinis (?), and bikinis (personally, I don't want cheese on bikinis, yuck)! Call now, the screen reminds you to beware of imitators! Not in stores (except for Bed, Bath, and Beyond)!

The prostitute in Miami isn't a joke (thanks Lacey for letting me know this). This past February, Vince was charged with felony battery for hitting a prostitute because she bit his tongue and would not let go. Seriously. Anyway, product reviews are pretty positive for the SlapChop. It does work well on the food used in the video. The only thing is you'll have to clean it before you use it on different items (which should be obvious...you don't want to mix tomato pieces with walnuts). However, it is easy to clean so apparently this product lives up to the billing.

Want to torture a guy? Watch the Lifetime channel. We all hate it.