Quick and Timely Observations (4/5)

"Dude, you don't want that...that's like roast beef." Quote from an old friend of mine describing a humiliating but funny moment that I'll share on here later:

There's something I'm running into lately, maybe it's because I'm in Carmel (where everyone up here thinks they live rich, complex lives...the lifestyles of families who make $100,000...wow), but there's an overly strong negative opinion towards Obama. Now hold your damn horses, I'm not slamming on people for not supporting the President or having negative opinions. No one has to like or agree with the President. The reasons I hear are laughable though. I did a tax return for someone who said he's "Satan himself...most my church feels the same way." Your church talks about politics? Let me guess, since he's pro-choice and supports stem-cell research then he's a bad guy? That reason is so old and tired...give me something different. Plus, this guy reminded me of a future serial killer. He was really odd, kind of mumbled a lot, no girlfriend or wife (he was in his 30s), and I'm pretty sure he still lived with his mother. He was awful upfront with a lot of his personal life too. I guess I make others feel comfortable...even Buffalo Bill wannabes.

Oh, I'm not done with this topic. I did a tax return for another person, she didn't care for him either. She followed with "you might feel differently though, which wouldn't be surprising since most people do." I responded that I did vote for him and I stand by my vote but it doesn't mean I can't talk with someone who thinks or feels differently, that most people don't see eye to eye on every issue but that's what makes our country great. Later on, she made another comment how the one thing Obama did right was the new housing credit (up to $8,000 for first time homebuyers). Someone else was around with their girlfriend and joined in on the Obama bashing. I didn't really pay too much attention since I was working until he asked how I felt? I responded the same way I did previously, that I stood by my vote. He proceeds to right a web address down about some 2 hour long video on youtube that keeps getting removed because it casts him in a negative light. I need to watch it he says and it will change my mind (I threw it away).

Okay fucksticks. All theses pro-Republican/anti-Democrat need to realize something. They're going about this shit all wrong. You're trying to force other people to change their minds to the way that you think or feel. It's like all these brainwashing Bible thumpers who go to those weirdo camps and talk in tongues (translation=it doesn't mean anything, you're just making sounds). Some creeper easily changed their minds with an argument that had vague or circumstantial evidence...I can pass this message along and force feed it to other people too (hey, the people who run these camps are creepers, think about it, they're washing mostly the minds of children...oooh, that's tough, most of them still think the Easter bunny and the Disney channel are cool). It doesn't work like that. If a two hour video changes your mind, damn, you must believe all those testimonials on infomercials are real people with real stories too.

I'm going to enlighten you all a little bit (better yet, give you a cold shot of reality). If you want to change someone's opinion or perception, you need evidence. You need to be interesting. And you all have neither one of these. Insults never work, that's your ass talking. Satan himself? Give me a goddamn break...that's the best you have? My response is going to be the same for everyone...we had eight years of Mr. Dumbass in there before him, a recession that started in December of 2007, that Bush did nothing to turn around or fix, and you want the new guy to fix it in less than a few months? Did you all ever listen to any of your teachers ever? Bible school, Sunday school, and Brainwashing school don't have teachers, those people are just posers who won't put any hard work into actually thinking critically about something. Everyone on CNN and Fox News has a different idea that would "definitely work"...oh yeah? How do we know what Obama is doing right now won't definitely work either? Because it's been a week, or a month since he passed legislation and we haven't seen any immediate effects? Damn, no patience! What's he supposed to do, force all these companies to hire the unemployed? These "analysts" are only on TV to drive ratings. So here's a tip for these creepers who want to change everyone's thinking to resemble their own...put a little effort and research into it. You're opinion doesn't count as evidence. An educated voter like myself will stand by my vote until evidence shows I should do otherwise. If Obama's policies fail? Then I will eat a plate of crow and subject him to the same amount of criticism had I not voted for him. That's the difference between educated voters and the rest...we can admit when we're wrong, you all will stand by a nitwit because you don't have the balls to admit (how else could you all support Bush for eight years?) when you're wrong. When two people do that, you know what that is called? Divorce.

Anyway, now that I've cleared that up...has anyone ever seen those lame ass eSurance Car Insurance commercials? You know, they're usually animated and the cartoons are usually secret agents talking about car insurance while they save the world? How in the bloody damn hell is that supposed to persuade ANYONE to switch car insurance? And why would secret agents (or any cartoons for that matter) talk about car insurance while doing anything? These might possibly be the worst series of commercials advertising a single service I've ever seen. Right now, the current commercial has this awful guy playing acoustic guitar at some bar with one of the cartoons playing a tamborine next to him. He might be the worst singer I've ever heard. Simon Cowell is throwing the remote at the TV everytime he sees this special boy. If you ever see this commercial, listen to how awful this guy is and he can't play guitar either. The advertising department needs a complete overhaul for this weirdo insurance company (I guess it reflects what kind of people insurance salesmen really are though).

Have leather jackets ever been in style?

I have to believe parents breed the naivety that exists in America. Why else would there be so many people who believe they'll be america's next top model, singer, guitar player, actor, drugged out loser carring HIV, etc.? Hell, the people who win America's Next Top Model don't even become the next top model, what makes you all so special? Why can't parents encourage dreams but also give their children a reality check?

Example: my first day in college I had my Intro to Criminal Justice class. The professor stands in front of all of us and asks, "How many of you watch CSI, Law & Order?" A lot of people raise their hands. "So...how many of you all want to be criminal profilers, serial killer profilers, or crime scene investigators?" Some people raise their hands. His response, "Well, here's a piece of advice...the people who have these jobs typically really like them. You might want to consider a different interest outside of these jobs because they typically don't open up very often." The looks on their faces were priceless. Their dreams had been crushed on the first day. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often enough. Mommy and daddy didn't teach their big baby any common sense apparently. No surprise here.

Which reminds me...my first college roommate was crying in our dorm room nine weeks into freshmen year because he missed New Jersey too much. He cried on the phone to mom and dad, begged to come home, and two days later he was gone. I didn't miss him though, most East Coast kids were a bunch of rich assholes, so one less asshole equals one more happy person at IU.

Does anyone else out there own an LG phone? I've owned two and Lanie has had her current LG phone reissued three times. These phones like to turn themselves off on their own. My first phone, the touch the sensor buttons went crazy after about a year. If these cell phone companies didn't offer discounts on phones for renewing or every two years, no one would own one. Most phones don't make it to two years without being replaced! Anyway, I guess this is advice to not own anything LG because it's shit (this brand hasn't been around that long anyway...it just kind of showed up one day). Pieces of shit.

If I ever get my hands on someone who creates and spreads computer viruses, I'll have a dead body on my hands. These people sit at home and jerk off in their own feces because no one wants a fugly who talks in computer lingo and plays trading card games. Quit making our lives hell because you don't get laid...get a gym membership, a new haircut, and a few new outfits. Contacts instead of glasses works wonders too.

By the way, has anyone else met someone who plays that trading card game Magic? I remember trading NBA basketball cards when I was in 5th and 6th grades. Well, apparently these kids liked trading cards but had no interest in sports and collecting superhero cards wasn't exactly exciting either...so they came up with this Buffalo Bill "it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again" activity. Actually, Buffalo Bill might be offended. Sure, he cut off people's skin and sewed it together, but at least he didn't jerkoff to wizard cards. That's about as uncreative as it gets.

So the story I mentioned at the beginning. Everyone out there (especially guys) will have this happen to them eventually. You think a girl likes you or wants you to kiss her and you get the cheek. Hey, Lanie gave me the cheek when we met back up almost two years ago (I was a little fast on that one so I had it coming). But the ultimate is when you damn well know you read all the signals right and you get rejected.

When I was 17, this new girl started working where I worked. She moved to Newburgh from someplace else. Anyway, we hung out a few times and one night I'm laying down, she's running her fingers through my hair and holding my hand. Okay, I thought, I know what you want. WRONG!!! I got the cheek. This was the first time it ever happened and I was fucking pissed. "Oh my god, were you trying to kiss me? I'm so sorry!" No, no...no, fuck that! You led me on! I got so pissed I told her to leave. "But this is my house!" So, I said, you should fucking leave!

Well, later on I found out she had already slept with four guys and she was only 17. When I told my friends about all of this, one of them responded with the above quote, "You don't want that man...that's like roast beef." Ew, gross...yeah, yeah...I got a response out of you though!

I'm tired of companies like Comcast, Insight, Brighthouse, etc. trying to sell us home phone in a three way package with internet and television. If you don't get the home phone? You only save like $5 bucks. Fuck your local phone. We already pay too much to have a mobile phone to get calls from people we usually don't want to talk to anyway.

Here's another creeper story. My kiosk that I work at is inside a Wal-Mart. There's is this really strange girl who talks to me here and there with some pretty broken English. What's worse, she has some relative who works for H&R Block in Chicago. She always asks me if I know this person. Why the fuck would I know some mystery person in Chicago? I told her my first day that it was my first year with H&R Block and I didn't hardly know anyone, let alone some random acquaintence in Chicago. She's one of these people that walks up to you and starts talking in mid-sentence. You turn to look and you're like huh? Were you talking to me, like you missed the first part of the conversation. Well, it's pretty easy to miss it when it wasn't even spoken in the first place! She looks weird, she talks weird...hey, I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm one of these people I only want to talk about work ever so briefly. If you're one of the people who talks about work constantly, chances are most people hate talking to you (unless you have a group of friends who do this and try to constantly one-up you too, then you have a handful of people who like you and the rest of the world hates you...including small furry animals and plantlife). I know some people who do this...if this sounds like you, now you know.

One exception to the above rule: if you're job is interesting, you can talk about it. If you're an assassin or a rock star, you can talk about work all you want. If you sit at a desk or have to deal with people (basically that's everyone's job) then we want your work convo five minutes or less. Thank you. Asshole.

Infomercial of the Day: Topsy Turvy Tomato Stalk. That's right people, everyone loves the taste of a homegrown tomato...it tastes 100 times better than buying them at the store! (I guess?) Oh no! Old Gardener with Tight Pants threw out his back hoeing and planting in back corner of his fenced in yard with all the weeds! After all that hard work they fell off the stalk and got muddy! Damn! What's an old fart to do? Erect a pole in the middle of your yard and hang the tackiest plant hanger ever! His Sunday's best clothing will never get dirty again! It's a revolution, a plant that grows upside down! Who thought it would ever be possible? The sun warms the tacky decor like a greenhouse! Up to 30 lbs of tomatoes per plant! How many tomatoes is that? Who knows, but it sounds like a lot! Plus, the tacky planter makes them show up four weeks earlier! This sounds too good to be true! Yummy! A tomato salad! Salsa! Bruschetta! Who knew?! The planter grows cucumbers and zuchini too! Delicious! Even herbs! (marijuana lovers are ringing off the hook!) It convieniently hangs anywhere! Uglify your porch! Be one of the weirdos who puts too many plants on their apartment deck! A family of three can even eat a meal of nothing but...you guessed it...tomatoes! You're friends will be amazed at the size the narrator exclaims! For only $19,99! But there's more! You'll also get a four seasons receipe guide...grow your tomatoes in the winter and eat up! Still want more? You also get an Even Kitchen Slicer! Cut even slices anytime, no more complaints about who got a bigger piece! Still more? Call right now and you'll get two of everything! Grow one in the front and the back of your house! Two receipe books! No freakin' way!

After reading some customer reviews, the commercial is right...no more back breaking work. Read what I said...back-breaking...work. To make this work you have to water and feed your planter more than ones that grow in the ground. So apparently, this tacky ass planter does work...if you work harder. If you're lazy, stick to the grocery store.

Why does anyone cast Christian Slater in any movie or TV show?