Quick and Timely Observations (3/14)

"Well, at least you're name isn't Michael Bolton." From the movie Office Space, a masterpiece:

People who perform the floaty dance should be hung from the highest tree. What is the floaty dance? This is what people do when you're in a public place, most likely a mall or Walmart, and they're walking semi-slow and all over the place. People who have kids that aren't on a leash have this problem more than others. Everyone knows what I'm talking about...you're walking down an aisle, in the door, leaving the store and you're trying to get around this slow ass in front of you. No matter how hard you try though, you just can't. You'll attempt it here and there but almost as quickly as you try, they float over to that side and take up any room you had to move past them. If they have kids, it's worse. The kids aren't paying attention to anything but what is going on in their demonic, imaginative minds. They'll walk in a different direction without looking or turning their heads (something I alluded to in an earlier post that is a huge pet peave of mine...apparently, plenty of people don't grow out of this) and if they run into you? It's your fault. You should've been paying attention. Nevermind the fact that they suck as parents and they believe they are the only people shopping. So basically, until you get into a wide open area with plenty of space (even then, you'll probably have to do a huge loop around them cause they'll be flailing their chubby arms about and their kids now have room to run) you're fucked and you must detour and take an alternative, out of the way route or wait. I would like to personally thank Dane Cook for creating the term to describe this behavior.

There's another time the floaty dance occurs and it can lead to confrontations where all you want to do is push the person out of the way. In line. That's right, your in line at McDonald's or some damn place and there is someone who just doesn't like lines (or is probably in their own demonic, perverted world inside their head) and they float around. Instead of just standing in line, they're off to the side, talking on their phone, looking at magazines (this is the worst)...you know the drill. The worst is when you attempt to get in line and someone has been floating around before you got there. You stand there kind of puzzled on what to do...is this person in line or not? You can do one of three things: 1. Ask them if they are in line (and receive the look like you're fucking stupid for asking), 2. Get behind them until you uncover the truth that they are/aren't in line (which, if you find out they aren't in line all you want to do is find the nearest object and throw it at them), 3. Get in line and ignore them (unless you're in ghetto town...then it's personal...you cut because you aren't the dominant race in that part of town which means you're racist...okay). Why can't you just stand in line like everyone else? Why are you so easily distracted? FYI, most of the people who encounter this hate your guts, we can't stand you. I hope you're pleased, asshole.

I found a most wonderful piece of news today. Radiohead, a band I'm not a fan of, had two of the best disses in a long time. Apparently, at the Grammys, Hannah Montana and Kanye West wanted to meet them. The band turned both of them down. Apparently, Miley Cyrus was so upset she left. She threatened to expose them for this disgrace and quote "ruin them." Radiohead's response: "When Miley grows up she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement." Kanye was so mad he didn't even stand for their performance. Aw, poor little Kan-YAY...are you upset that you found one of the hundreds of millions of people who think you absolutely suck at everything? That's probably exaggerating...I would venture to say there aren't that many people who even know who he is. After hearing this I might actually check out a few Radiohead songs in appreciation.

Why would ANYONE pay for a prostitute? What a fabulous idea, paying for dirty penis/vagina and then continuing to pay for it from the STDs you acquired. If you've ever paid or been paid for sex, you've got serious issues.


Don't take nude pictures or video of yourself and then get upset that someone else got a hold of it or your ex put it on the internet. This has to be one of the single, dumbest things women do. Why the fuck would you take pictures of yourself naked, half naked, topless, etc. and then send it over email, text messages, or let someone else keep a copy is beyond me. This person now has the ultimate blackmail item in their possession. Besides, if you do this DON'T GET PISSED OFF IF THE WORLD SEES IT. You were stupid enough to let someone keep a copy. I just saw a story on CNN today about a girl in high school who committed suicide because of an incident like this. She sent a naked picture of herself to her boyfriend, apparently they broke up or some shit, and then guess what? He showed it to the entire school. Apparently, the girl was harassed and teased about it all the time and she couldn't take it anymore. Okay, I don't agree with the constant harrassement but she should've expected it and been prepared for it. Why trust some asshole in high school anyway? I don't trust ANYONE with this kind of material and I never will. Someone get me a fucking beer, I could talk about this all day long.

So here's the advice: Don't strip or go naked around multiple people, don't send revealing pictures to anyone, don't video tape yourself having sex without destroying it afterwards, don't put ANYTHING like this on your computer EVER, DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T!!!!! Goddamnit, why doesn't anyone ever LEARN from this shit. How many stories about sex tapes, harrassment, blackmail, teasing, etc. does someone have to see to finally get a fucking clue and not do shit like this anymore?! I swear, America is the only place where they have problems with shit like this. We have to be the dumbest society ever.

While I'm thinking about it, why the fuck does anyone date someone else that all they do is make messes, never help clean up, doesn't have a job, treats them like shit, possibly cheats on them, etc. etc. etc.? If a guy hits you, if someone cheats on you, if you pay for all of their expenses, for fuck's sake, CUT THEM LOOSE. Get rid of them. Send them packing. However you describe severance from a BUM, get rid of them. I cannot tell you how many horror stories I've heard, mostly from women, about someone's significant other being nothing short of a piece of shit. You know what (usually) happened when I dated someone and I noticed some weird behavior or they were shitty towards me? I cut their ass loose, told them that they were a weirdo, to hit the bricks, and leave me alone. You want to know how and what happened the one time I didn't? I was miserable for almost two years. I love my friends, but I put part of the blame on them. No doubt, I could've ended anytime, but the shit lasted longer because of them.

How you ask? After about a month or so, I spoke to my two closest friends about something I didn't like about who I was dating. I can't exactly remember what it was but I pretty well decided that I was going to end it and move on. "That doesn't surprise us dude," was the response. "What do you mean by that?" was my question. "You always find something wrong with the girls you take out on dates or after being in a relationship with them for only a month." Not expecting that response, I said, "Well, what should I do differently then?" Then, here came the response that doomed me for the next two years: "You should let them know and maybe try to work it out a little longer. Maybe they don't know, besides, no one is perfect."

I love you guys, but dammit, those two years fucking sucked. I tried to work through bullshit and issues for two years. You all HATED her for most of those two years and it looks like my initial assessment odometer/reader was in perfect working order regarding weirdos. So what's the answer then? I definitely think communication is the biggest part of any relationship. Most people I know aren't very good at it and communicate ineffectively. I could make a list of whom I dated, why it didn't last, and what others' point of view was on it but it's the one topic that is probably inappropriate for a blog. If I ever write a book someday, I'll do it then.

If you know anyone who runs a pyramid scheme, introduce me so I can promptly kill them. Have I ever been in one you ask? No, I just think these assholes are lower than cockroaches.

Along the same lines, if you have to pay someone in order to model, then you are NOT a model. Real models get paid, not the reverse.

That reminds me, it's time to share one of the funniest evenings ever. It involves myself, and my friends Andrew and Adam. Senior year of high school, we had a party at my house one evening and apparently Adam had met some girl who was a...Sears model...and she was wanting to party with us. Well, whatever...my friends and I didn't care. So we meet her in a parking lot when she gets in town so she can follow us to my house and...whoa. No wonder she was paying Sears. She wasn't hideous or anything but...a model? What the hell is going on here? Anyway, as the night goes on and everyone is starting to get drunk, apparently she had some other intentions. First, she asks Adam to kiss her, and was met with a simple "No." Next, I end up in the back seat of her new Chrysler convertible (that's funny to me for some reason) with her because everyone was too drunk to drive but Andrew and she asks me if I think she is pretty. She seriously asked me this. My response: "Uh...ask me later." Strike two. Apparently she didn't get the hint and asked Andrew later on if he wanted to kiss her. His response? "No thanks."

Something else really funny about that night? Apparently, she had her senior pictures taken already and was handing a lot of the billfold size pics out. Every now and then, me or my sister would be going through some old boxes or looking for something around the house and one of these pictures would turn up. This happened for years after this one night sleeze. Apparently, modeling for Sears gives people confidence that really shouldn't have it. I bet if I look hard enough, I could still find one. If I ever do, I'll put it on facebook and see if anyone knows her.

Okay, one more short one. Another night, I had some friends over (senior year still) and one of them I don't hang out anymore insisted on having some girls over. No one was home that night, literally no one...except for this girl I worked with. She was kind of odd and I told him this girl would come over if I asked without a doubt. But I insisted back that I wanted him to state to everyone there that this was his idea, not mine, and that I would take no responsibility for any of this. He agreed, told our friends what I told him to say, I asked, and she showed up with a friend in tow...

Wholly shit, doesn't describe these two enough. Her friend...geez, I can't even go there. Anyway, the girl who was invited showed up with this gigantic, white bow in her hair. For real, we're not eight years old having a kiddy date with crayons and juice, we're all 18. Apparently the rest of my friends immediately understood why I made our friend declare responsibility...none of them moved after she walked in. The funniest part...my sister came out of her room at one point, looked around, and went straight back into her room and shut the door without saying a word. Priceless.

Infomercial of the Day: ExtenZe Penis Enchancement Pills. It's every man's dream...how to make his penis even bigger. Pedophile Dad in the Blue Shirt is proud to boast about ExtenZe's achievements. Painfully-Not-Trying-to-Laugh Latino Lady makes no secret that ExtenZe is "scientifically proven" to increase the size of that "certain part of the male body" (uh...then why does it say these statements have not been approved by the FDA?). Look! Paid actors in a fake drug lab are making the pills...it must be legit! Latino Lady even says so herself "this is REAL science." Since all testimonials are actual people telling the truth, this must be a medical breakthrough! Dr. Daniel Stein, founder of the Stein Medical Group (whatever that is), is here to let you know he PERSONALLY checked out the formula on enhancing that "certain part of the male body" and this is legitimate. He even has his name written on his white lab coat! There's even a picture of the Stein Medical Group building...even though it's generic and part of a strip mall, it exists so he must be telling us the truth! Hey, they'll send you a free sample all for the cost of a postage stamp! No obligations! (even though there is a reminder that the "natural" male enhancement that comes from using this product goes away when you stop using it...hey, if it's natural, why do you even have to take a pill?)

Mr. Thinning Scalp and Lady in the Red Dress (who must be unhappy with his penis size) wants to know if he's ready to do this? Teleprompter Reading Blonde Girl guarantees satisfaction and growth! All the couples agree, what do they want? The guy's small penis to be bigger! So what are you waiting for guys? You have "nothing to lose" and "lots" to gain! Don't forget, for you free trial pack for the cost of a postage stamp, you have to enroll your credit card in the automatic billing program, then you can cancel! (which means you'll get shipped an extra pack or two and charged) Even Ron Jeremy endorses it...

In 2006, the manufacturer of the drug (Dish Direct Incorporated...sounds like they make dishwashing detergent or satellite TV dishes) were sued for $300,000 because of false advertising. Apparently, they couldn't back up their claim that your penis would grow by 27%. Also, several customers complained to the Better Business Bureau because ExtenZe made them sick. Apparently, ExtenZe's lead content was beyond legal limits. FYI, if men are exposed to lead long enough, it can damage the organs responsible for sperm production. It can also damage your nervous system (your penis gets bigger but it won't matter...you can't even feel it now!). Whoops!

The FDA has no definition of "all natural" for meat.