Quick and Timely Observations (4/13)

Some recent surveys found kids aren't able to point out the US on a map. Why do you think this is Miss Teen South Carolina 2007? "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future." Have you ever seen Billy Madison where during the Q&A segment towards the end, the host responds to Adam Sandler by saying "what you just said is the most insanely idiotic thing I've ever heard in my life, everyone in this room is now dumber"? Yeah, this girl belongs in this category and it proves that these competitions are only about looks, money, and who you know and not intelligence. How else would this girl have made it on here? Somehow, she ended up on the Today show and was able to defend herself. I wonder who her parents know...anyway, this ended up being longer than I anticipated so I might as well post her follow up response on her Today show appearance:

"Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don't know anyone else who doesn't. And if the statistics are correct, I believe that there should be more emphasis on geography in our education so people will know how to read maps better."

Geography? I'm still speechless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

I cannot begin to express how stupid someone's car (usually a truck) looks with that little kid or Bugs Bunny pissing on...something. Usually someone who owns a Chevy truck has something pissing on Ford. Or vice versa. You don't like Jeff Gordon (I don't like Nascar period, it is not a sport either)? Get a sticker with that stupid ass kid pissing on #24. Ooooooh, is that supposed to upset someone? You don't like Jeff Gordon OR Chevy? No one gives a shit. And what is this fascination with urine? Especially little boys pissing? Sounds a little pedophile-ish. Besides, why would you want to decorate your pretty truck with someone pissing? Yes, I said pretty truck because that's what it is to you...you don't actually use that truck or its 400 horsepower towards its intended purpose. Oh sure, you might haul your friend's sofa for them and pretend to be a tough, hardworking guy, but I'm not fooled. Which reminds me...

Going along with the pissing kids and animals, why does someone put flames on their car? The one I see the most often is Ford trucks with magnetic metal flames around the Ford symbol on the back of the truck. Lame. Stupid. Unoriginal. UN-interesting. I also see vehicles with grills on the front that resemble flames. Waste of money. Not intimidating. Laughable. Let's face it, if you want someone to be impressed with your vehicle, you better be prepared to spend $250,000 or more on it. Ha, you laugh out loud. Why is that? We've already seen your vehicle 500 times...we've all seen flames, decals, oversized mufflers, rims on Dodge Neons, ground effects, tented windows, oversized spoilers, stupid looking spoilers, spoilers on trucks (?), fog lamps, colored fog lamps, TVs in cars, custom paint jobs, big tires, bigger tires, and skulls where the eyes light up on the back of your car when you hit the brakes...we've all seen this cheap looking crap thousands of times and no one is impressed anymore. If you are impressed? Well, I guess your pussy or your penis is for sale because all it takes to win you over is fake wealth and a Dodge Neon with a big muffler. Or a Mistubishi Eclipse. Wow, cool defined. You probably still eat Pizza Rolls too.

Really...the amount of money you invest in your crappy little vehicle to "customize (stupify)" it, you could've saved that and bought a pretty nice vehicle that didn't need all that goofy ass, overdone crap you just wasted your money on. Like I said, you want to impress someone with a vehicle purchase? Roll up in a Lamborghini. Want to turn heads for real? (what do I mean by for real? we're looking because we like what we see...not because your muffler is making a loud humming sound and it sounds like your windows are going to fall out from the bass shaking them) Pull up next to someone in a Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren. No, not your regular Mercedes that doesn't look any different than a Kia Amanti. We've all seen those 5000 times too. Ooooh, you drive a Lexus...nice vehicle to own, but I see those daily. Show me a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti. But even the cars I mentioned, it'll get a few head turns but I'm not going to ask for your autograph. Maybe there are plenty of people out there shallow enough to blow the person driving the car just because they're impressed by it. Still, I can't fathom owning anything just to get blow jobs.

In other news, a woman reported her suitcase missing right around the same time a little girl went missing in her neighborhood. A short time later, they find the suitcase in a lake with the little girl's body inside it. First off, who reports luggage as missing or stolen unless you're at an airport? Second off, how stupid can you possibly be?

The other day in Wal-Mart, I walked past women's shoes and there was this girl dressed in this ridiculous outfit that you'd only see on The Hills or some retarded show like that. Not only that, she had sunglasses on inside. The shoe department is nowhere near outdoors. Who do you think you are? Audrina Patridge? Not that she's anyone significant or like she's contributed any usefulness to society anyway (want to know something really funny about Audrina? she thinks she's so hot and something special...she sent nude pictures to Playboy before she was "famous" and they turned her down). You're shopping for shoes...IN WAL-MART. Not Rodeo Drive, WAL-MART. Plus, you live in Indianapolis. Not Beverly Hills. I'll look for you in the JCPenney catalog. (that's probably a stretch...perhaps, the Dollar General junk mail ads?)

I don't understand why anyone ever goes to Purdue (unless you're an Engineering major who can't get in to Rose-Hulman). West Lafayette sucks, there's nothing to do there. Plus, there is a 10-1 guy to girl ratio. And most Purdont students are pretty rude for no reason. Maybe it's because I'm an IU Alumni or that I like being around girls and not a constant sausage fest that I never got along with Boilermakers. Or maybe it's because the majority of people at IU were pretty friendly and easy to meet (Greeks don't count...they can keep their STD houses). Or maybe because Bloomington has tons of stuff to do. Anyway you slice it, if something has too much penis you should probably stay away.

I also recently discovered that Purdont is home to something called the "White Trash Bash." Well, at least they're not completely dillusional.

Anyway, story time! When I worked at McDonald's when I was in high school, I had to work a lot of Saturday mornings. Most of the time, I preferred to make the food (time went by faster) but not for breakfast. You know the round eggs that are on McMuffins? Those are real eggs, don't freak out yet. But if you've ever cooked eggs before, you know a lot of times after the egg is cracked, a few pieces of the shell break off and get in the egg. Well, this happened a McDonald's too, but I was cracking eggs on a hot grill so it was tough to get the shell pieces out without burning your fingers. I got tired of that after a while, so I quit picking the egg shell pieces out. So if you ever get something crunchy with your Egg McMuffin, now you know what it is (hopefully).

Some of you have often pondered if the workers fuck with people's food. A lot of you have probably seen the movie Waiting and wondered if that really happens to food. Well, I've never seen anyone put pubes in food. But I've seen it happen before (I did it myself a few times). Oh, that's gross/wrong you say. Well, we didn't do it randomly. If you were shitty to someone who worked there, well, chances are you got some spit on your food.

So what was the worst I ever saw? Well, I was back in grill and someone ordered some nuggets. I was just putting them in the box like always when the girl who was taking orders in drive-thru came up to me and said "Give me those nuggets!" Okay, I handed them over. She proceeded to snot all over them. "This woman was a fucking bitch!" She hands them back to me with the lid closed. Yep, that's right...don't be shitty to people that make your food.

Does anyone watch MTV anymore? They really need to change the station name. It pains me the rebel music video station that I grew up with only has shows where people argue on it anymore.

I think Gene Keady and Donald Trump should switch hair pieces for a week.

Infomercial of the Day: SlapChop Food Chopper. Vince is back with an amazing invention NO ONE should be without. Wow! That potato is in 3 pieces in a second! Slap it a few more times and it's menced! Everyone likes mushrooms with potatoes, chop it up too! Vince and his headset reminds you, you HATE making salads, but damnit, you need salad in your diet! What can we ever do? Slap it! Vince reminds us that tuna in a can is...boring! Damn, boring tuna, what the hell! Throw it in your salad and BAM, Tuna Salad! No way! You have an exciting life now, because we have tuna salad! Yes! Need a quick breakfast? No problem! Boil an egg, throw in a pickle (?), green onions, and a little ham...slap it up, bam! Little pieces of egg/pickle/ham casarole to scoop up and eat off your shirt!

What's next Vince? "You're going to love my nuts!" (I'm not sure that hooker in Miami does) Throw some nuts and some Oreos together (?) and wham! Nuts and oreos mixed together! (must be a new receipe) You're going to slap away, everyday! Easy to clean too! How is that? It pops open like a butterfly! Any other chopper can't be cleaned, you can't take it apart! It's garbage! Take the skin off garlic and onions! No more tears, Vince tells you, life is hard enough as it is! Goddamn right! American will be skinny again, one slap at a time!

Black Jacket Teleprompter Reading Lady tells us it's very quick, a time saver for receipes! Mr. Random Shirt (you have to see it to believe it) says it's easy, take it apart, throw it in the drawer, put it together, no problem! Grandma Ugly Visor and Ruffled Shirt is laughing because it's so easy! Chop with one hand, wow! Vince is going to give you the Graty too when you order! Throw in cheese for tacos, fettucine, linguini, martinis (?), and bikinis (personally, I don't want cheese on bikinis, yuck)! Call now, the screen reminds you to beware of imitators! Not in stores (except for Bed, Bath, and Beyond)!

The prostitute in Miami isn't a joke (thanks Lacey for letting me know this). This past February, Vince was charged with felony battery for hitting a prostitute because she bit his tongue and would not let go. Seriously. Anyway, product reviews are pretty positive for the SlapChop. It does work well on the food used in the video. The only thing is you'll have to clean it before you use it on different items (which should be obvious...you don't want to mix tomato pieces with walnuts). However, it is easy to clean so apparently this product lives up to the billing.

Want to torture a guy? Watch the Lifetime channel. We all hate it.

Quick and Timely Observations (4/5)

"Dude, you don't want that...that's like roast beef." Quote from an old friend of mine describing a humiliating but funny moment that I'll share on here later:

There's something I'm running into lately, maybe it's because I'm in Carmel (where everyone up here thinks they live rich, complex lives...the lifestyles of families who make $100,000...wow), but there's an overly strong negative opinion towards Obama. Now hold your damn horses, I'm not slamming on people for not supporting the President or having negative opinions. No one has to like or agree with the President. The reasons I hear are laughable though. I did a tax return for someone who said he's "Satan himself...most my church feels the same way." Your church talks about politics? Let me guess, since he's pro-choice and supports stem-cell research then he's a bad guy? That reason is so old and tired...give me something different. Plus, this guy reminded me of a future serial killer. He was really odd, kind of mumbled a lot, no girlfriend or wife (he was in his 30s), and I'm pretty sure he still lived with his mother. He was awful upfront with a lot of his personal life too. I guess I make others feel comfortable...even Buffalo Bill wannabes.

Oh, I'm not done with this topic. I did a tax return for another person, she didn't care for him either. She followed with "you might feel differently though, which wouldn't be surprising since most people do." I responded that I did vote for him and I stand by my vote but it doesn't mean I can't talk with someone who thinks or feels differently, that most people don't see eye to eye on every issue but that's what makes our country great. Later on, she made another comment how the one thing Obama did right was the new housing credit (up to $8,000 for first time homebuyers). Someone else was around with their girlfriend and joined in on the Obama bashing. I didn't really pay too much attention since I was working until he asked how I felt? I responded the same way I did previously, that I stood by my vote. He proceeds to right a web address down about some 2 hour long video on youtube that keeps getting removed because it casts him in a negative light. I need to watch it he says and it will change my mind (I threw it away).

Okay fucksticks. All theses pro-Republican/anti-Democrat need to realize something. They're going about this shit all wrong. You're trying to force other people to change their minds to the way that you think or feel. It's like all these brainwashing Bible thumpers who go to those weirdo camps and talk in tongues (translation=it doesn't mean anything, you're just making sounds). Some creeper easily changed their minds with an argument that had vague or circumstantial evidence...I can pass this message along and force feed it to other people too (hey, the people who run these camps are creepers, think about it, they're washing mostly the minds of children...oooh, that's tough, most of them still think the Easter bunny and the Disney channel are cool). It doesn't work like that. If a two hour video changes your mind, damn, you must believe all those testimonials on infomercials are real people with real stories too.

I'm going to enlighten you all a little bit (better yet, give you a cold shot of reality). If you want to change someone's opinion or perception, you need evidence. You need to be interesting. And you all have neither one of these. Insults never work, that's your ass talking. Satan himself? Give me a goddamn break...that's the best you have? My response is going to be the same for everyone...we had eight years of Mr. Dumbass in there before him, a recession that started in December of 2007, that Bush did nothing to turn around or fix, and you want the new guy to fix it in less than a few months? Did you all ever listen to any of your teachers ever? Bible school, Sunday school, and Brainwashing school don't have teachers, those people are just posers who won't put any hard work into actually thinking critically about something. Everyone on CNN and Fox News has a different idea that would "definitely work"...oh yeah? How do we know what Obama is doing right now won't definitely work either? Because it's been a week, or a month since he passed legislation and we haven't seen any immediate effects? Damn, no patience! What's he supposed to do, force all these companies to hire the unemployed? These "analysts" are only on TV to drive ratings. So here's a tip for these creepers who want to change everyone's thinking to resemble their own...put a little effort and research into it. You're opinion doesn't count as evidence. An educated voter like myself will stand by my vote until evidence shows I should do otherwise. If Obama's policies fail? Then I will eat a plate of crow and subject him to the same amount of criticism had I not voted for him. That's the difference between educated voters and the rest...we can admit when we're wrong, you all will stand by a nitwit because you don't have the balls to admit (how else could you all support Bush for eight years?) when you're wrong. When two people do that, you know what that is called? Divorce.

Anyway, now that I've cleared that up...has anyone ever seen those lame ass eSurance Car Insurance commercials? You know, they're usually animated and the cartoons are usually secret agents talking about car insurance while they save the world? How in the bloody damn hell is that supposed to persuade ANYONE to switch car insurance? And why would secret agents (or any cartoons for that matter) talk about car insurance while doing anything? These might possibly be the worst series of commercials advertising a single service I've ever seen. Right now, the current commercial has this awful guy playing acoustic guitar at some bar with one of the cartoons playing a tamborine next to him. He might be the worst singer I've ever heard. Simon Cowell is throwing the remote at the TV everytime he sees this special boy. If you ever see this commercial, listen to how awful this guy is and he can't play guitar either. The advertising department needs a complete overhaul for this weirdo insurance company (I guess it reflects what kind of people insurance salesmen really are though).

Have leather jackets ever been in style?

I have to believe parents breed the naivety that exists in America. Why else would there be so many people who believe they'll be america's next top model, singer, guitar player, actor, drugged out loser carring HIV, etc.? Hell, the people who win America's Next Top Model don't even become the next top model, what makes you all so special? Why can't parents encourage dreams but also give their children a reality check?

Example: my first day in college I had my Intro to Criminal Justice class. The professor stands in front of all of us and asks, "How many of you watch CSI, Law & Order?" A lot of people raise their hands. "So...how many of you all want to be criminal profilers, serial killer profilers, or crime scene investigators?" Some people raise their hands. His response, "Well, here's a piece of advice...the people who have these jobs typically really like them. You might want to consider a different interest outside of these jobs because they typically don't open up very often." The looks on their faces were priceless. Their dreams had been crushed on the first day. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often enough. Mommy and daddy didn't teach their big baby any common sense apparently. No surprise here.

Which reminds me...my first college roommate was crying in our dorm room nine weeks into freshmen year because he missed New Jersey too much. He cried on the phone to mom and dad, begged to come home, and two days later he was gone. I didn't miss him though, most East Coast kids were a bunch of rich assholes, so one less asshole equals one more happy person at IU.

Does anyone else out there own an LG phone? I've owned two and Lanie has had her current LG phone reissued three times. These phones like to turn themselves off on their own. My first phone, the touch the sensor buttons went crazy after about a year. If these cell phone companies didn't offer discounts on phones for renewing or every two years, no one would own one. Most phones don't make it to two years without being replaced! Anyway, I guess this is advice to not own anything LG because it's shit (this brand hasn't been around that long anyway...it just kind of showed up one day). Pieces of shit.

If I ever get my hands on someone who creates and spreads computer viruses, I'll have a dead body on my hands. These people sit at home and jerk off in their own feces because no one wants a fugly who talks in computer lingo and plays trading card games. Quit making our lives hell because you don't get laid...get a gym membership, a new haircut, and a few new outfits. Contacts instead of glasses works wonders too.

By the way, has anyone else met someone who plays that trading card game Magic? I remember trading NBA basketball cards when I was in 5th and 6th grades. Well, apparently these kids liked trading cards but had no interest in sports and collecting superhero cards wasn't exactly exciting either...so they came up with this Buffalo Bill "it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again" activity. Actually, Buffalo Bill might be offended. Sure, he cut off people's skin and sewed it together, but at least he didn't jerkoff to wizard cards. That's about as uncreative as it gets.

So the story I mentioned at the beginning. Everyone out there (especially guys) will have this happen to them eventually. You think a girl likes you or wants you to kiss her and you get the cheek. Hey, Lanie gave me the cheek when we met back up almost two years ago (I was a little fast on that one so I had it coming). But the ultimate is when you damn well know you read all the signals right and you get rejected.

When I was 17, this new girl started working where I worked. She moved to Newburgh from someplace else. Anyway, we hung out a few times and one night I'm laying down, she's running her fingers through my hair and holding my hand. Okay, I thought, I know what you want. WRONG!!! I got the cheek. This was the first time it ever happened and I was fucking pissed. "Oh my god, were you trying to kiss me? I'm so sorry!" No, no...no, fuck that! You led me on! I got so pissed I told her to leave. "But this is my house!" So, I said, you should fucking leave!

Well, later on I found out she had already slept with four guys and she was only 17. When I told my friends about all of this, one of them responded with the above quote, "You don't want that man...that's like roast beef." Ew, gross...yeah, yeah...I got a response out of you though!

I'm tired of companies like Comcast, Insight, Brighthouse, etc. trying to sell us home phone in a three way package with internet and television. If you don't get the home phone? You only save like $5 bucks. Fuck your local phone. We already pay too much to have a mobile phone to get calls from people we usually don't want to talk to anyway.

Here's another creeper story. My kiosk that I work at is inside a Wal-Mart. There's is this really strange girl who talks to me here and there with some pretty broken English. What's worse, she has some relative who works for H&R Block in Chicago. She always asks me if I know this person. Why the fuck would I know some mystery person in Chicago? I told her my first day that it was my first year with H&R Block and I didn't hardly know anyone, let alone some random acquaintence in Chicago. She's one of these people that walks up to you and starts talking in mid-sentence. You turn to look and you're like huh? Were you talking to me, like you missed the first part of the conversation. Well, it's pretty easy to miss it when it wasn't even spoken in the first place! She looks weird, she talks weird...hey, I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm one of these people I only want to talk about work ever so briefly. If you're one of the people who talks about work constantly, chances are most people hate talking to you (unless you have a group of friends who do this and try to constantly one-up you too, then you have a handful of people who like you and the rest of the world hates you...including small furry animals and plantlife). I know some people who do this...if this sounds like you, now you know.

One exception to the above rule: if you're job is interesting, you can talk about it. If you're an assassin or a rock star, you can talk about work all you want. If you sit at a desk or have to deal with people (basically that's everyone's job) then we want your work convo five minutes or less. Thank you. Asshole.

Infomercial of the Day: Topsy Turvy Tomato Stalk. That's right people, everyone loves the taste of a homegrown tomato...it tastes 100 times better than buying them at the store! (I guess?) Oh no! Old Gardener with Tight Pants threw out his back hoeing and planting in back corner of his fenced in yard with all the weeds! After all that hard work they fell off the stalk and got muddy! Damn! What's an old fart to do? Erect a pole in the middle of your yard and hang the tackiest plant hanger ever! His Sunday's best clothing will never get dirty again! It's a revolution, a plant that grows upside down! Who thought it would ever be possible? The sun warms the tacky decor like a greenhouse! Up to 30 lbs of tomatoes per plant! How many tomatoes is that? Who knows, but it sounds like a lot! Plus, the tacky planter makes them show up four weeks earlier! This sounds too good to be true! Yummy! A tomato salad! Salsa! Bruschetta! Who knew?! The planter grows cucumbers and zuchini too! Delicious! Even herbs! (marijuana lovers are ringing off the hook!) It convieniently hangs anywhere! Uglify your porch! Be one of the weirdos who puts too many plants on their apartment deck! A family of three can even eat a meal of nothing but...you guessed it...tomatoes! You're friends will be amazed at the size the narrator exclaims! For only $19,99! But there's more! You'll also get a four seasons receipe guide...grow your tomatoes in the winter and eat up! Still want more? You also get an Even Kitchen Slicer! Cut even slices anytime, no more complaints about who got a bigger piece! Still more? Call right now and you'll get two of everything! Grow one in the front and the back of your house! Two receipe books! No freakin' way!

After reading some customer reviews, the commercial is right...no more back breaking work. Read what I said...back-breaking...work. To make this work you have to water and feed your planter more than ones that grow in the ground. So apparently, this tacky ass planter does work...if you work harder. If you're lazy, stick to the grocery store.

Why does anyone cast Christian Slater in any movie or TV show?

Quick and Timely Observations (3/14)

"Well, at least you're name isn't Michael Bolton." From the movie Office Space, a masterpiece:

People who perform the floaty dance should be hung from the highest tree. What is the floaty dance? This is what people do when you're in a public place, most likely a mall or Walmart, and they're walking semi-slow and all over the place. People who have kids that aren't on a leash have this problem more than others. Everyone knows what I'm talking about...you're walking down an aisle, in the door, leaving the store and you're trying to get around this slow ass in front of you. No matter how hard you try though, you just can't. You'll attempt it here and there but almost as quickly as you try, they float over to that side and take up any room you had to move past them. If they have kids, it's worse. The kids aren't paying attention to anything but what is going on in their demonic, imaginative minds. They'll walk in a different direction without looking or turning their heads (something I alluded to in an earlier post that is a huge pet peave of mine...apparently, plenty of people don't grow out of this) and if they run into you? It's your fault. You should've been paying attention. Nevermind the fact that they suck as parents and they believe they are the only people shopping. So basically, until you get into a wide open area with plenty of space (even then, you'll probably have to do a huge loop around them cause they'll be flailing their chubby arms about and their kids now have room to run) you're fucked and you must detour and take an alternative, out of the way route or wait. I would like to personally thank Dane Cook for creating the term to describe this behavior.

There's another time the floaty dance occurs and it can lead to confrontations where all you want to do is push the person out of the way. In line. That's right, your in line at McDonald's or some damn place and there is someone who just doesn't like lines (or is probably in their own demonic, perverted world inside their head) and they float around. Instead of just standing in line, they're off to the side, talking on their phone, looking at magazines (this is the worst)...you know the drill. The worst is when you attempt to get in line and someone has been floating around before you got there. You stand there kind of puzzled on what to do...is this person in line or not? You can do one of three things: 1. Ask them if they are in line (and receive the look like you're fucking stupid for asking), 2. Get behind them until you uncover the truth that they are/aren't in line (which, if you find out they aren't in line all you want to do is find the nearest object and throw it at them), 3. Get in line and ignore them (unless you're in ghetto town...then it's personal...you cut because you aren't the dominant race in that part of town which means you're racist...okay). Why can't you just stand in line like everyone else? Why are you so easily distracted? FYI, most of the people who encounter this hate your guts, we can't stand you. I hope you're pleased, asshole.

I found a most wonderful piece of news today. Radiohead, a band I'm not a fan of, had two of the best disses in a long time. Apparently, at the Grammys, Hannah Montana and Kanye West wanted to meet them. The band turned both of them down. Apparently, Miley Cyrus was so upset she left. She threatened to expose them for this disgrace and quote "ruin them." Radiohead's response: "When Miley grows up she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement." Kanye was so mad he didn't even stand for their performance. Aw, poor little Kan-YAY...are you upset that you found one of the hundreds of millions of people who think you absolutely suck at everything? That's probably exaggerating...I would venture to say there aren't that many people who even know who he is. After hearing this I might actually check out a few Radiohead songs in appreciation.

Why would ANYONE pay for a prostitute? What a fabulous idea, paying for dirty penis/vagina and then continuing to pay for it from the STDs you acquired. If you've ever paid or been paid for sex, you've got serious issues.


Don't take nude pictures or video of yourself and then get upset that someone else got a hold of it or your ex put it on the internet. This has to be one of the single, dumbest things women do. Why the fuck would you take pictures of yourself naked, half naked, topless, etc. and then send it over email, text messages, or let someone else keep a copy is beyond me. This person now has the ultimate blackmail item in their possession. Besides, if you do this DON'T GET PISSED OFF IF THE WORLD SEES IT. You were stupid enough to let someone keep a copy. I just saw a story on CNN today about a girl in high school who committed suicide because of an incident like this. She sent a naked picture of herself to her boyfriend, apparently they broke up or some shit, and then guess what? He showed it to the entire school. Apparently, the girl was harassed and teased about it all the time and she couldn't take it anymore. Okay, I don't agree with the constant harrassement but she should've expected it and been prepared for it. Why trust some asshole in high school anyway? I don't trust ANYONE with this kind of material and I never will. Someone get me a fucking beer, I could talk about this all day long.

So here's the advice: Don't strip or go naked around multiple people, don't send revealing pictures to anyone, don't video tape yourself having sex without destroying it afterwards, don't put ANYTHING like this on your computer EVER, DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T!!!!! Goddamnit, why doesn't anyone ever LEARN from this shit. How many stories about sex tapes, harrassment, blackmail, teasing, etc. does someone have to see to finally get a fucking clue and not do shit like this anymore?! I swear, America is the only place where they have problems with shit like this. We have to be the dumbest society ever.

While I'm thinking about it, why the fuck does anyone date someone else that all they do is make messes, never help clean up, doesn't have a job, treats them like shit, possibly cheats on them, etc. etc. etc.? If a guy hits you, if someone cheats on you, if you pay for all of their expenses, for fuck's sake, CUT THEM LOOSE. Get rid of them. Send them packing. However you describe severance from a BUM, get rid of them. I cannot tell you how many horror stories I've heard, mostly from women, about someone's significant other being nothing short of a piece of shit. You know what (usually) happened when I dated someone and I noticed some weird behavior or they were shitty towards me? I cut their ass loose, told them that they were a weirdo, to hit the bricks, and leave me alone. You want to know how and what happened the one time I didn't? I was miserable for almost two years. I love my friends, but I put part of the blame on them. No doubt, I could've ended anytime, but the shit lasted longer because of them.

How you ask? After about a month or so, I spoke to my two closest friends about something I didn't like about who I was dating. I can't exactly remember what it was but I pretty well decided that I was going to end it and move on. "That doesn't surprise us dude," was the response. "What do you mean by that?" was my question. "You always find something wrong with the girls you take out on dates or after being in a relationship with them for only a month." Not expecting that response, I said, "Well, what should I do differently then?" Then, here came the response that doomed me for the next two years: "You should let them know and maybe try to work it out a little longer. Maybe they don't know, besides, no one is perfect."

I love you guys, but dammit, those two years fucking sucked. I tried to work through bullshit and issues for two years. You all HATED her for most of those two years and it looks like my initial assessment odometer/reader was in perfect working order regarding weirdos. So what's the answer then? I definitely think communication is the biggest part of any relationship. Most people I know aren't very good at it and communicate ineffectively. I could make a list of whom I dated, why it didn't last, and what others' point of view was on it but it's the one topic that is probably inappropriate for a blog. If I ever write a book someday, I'll do it then.

If you know anyone who runs a pyramid scheme, introduce me so I can promptly kill them. Have I ever been in one you ask? No, I just think these assholes are lower than cockroaches.

Along the same lines, if you have to pay someone in order to model, then you are NOT a model. Real models get paid, not the reverse.

That reminds me, it's time to share one of the funniest evenings ever. It involves myself, and my friends Andrew and Adam. Senior year of high school, we had a party at my house one evening and apparently Adam had met some girl who was a...Sears model...and she was wanting to party with us. Well, whatever...my friends and I didn't care. So we meet her in a parking lot when she gets in town so she can follow us to my house and...whoa. No wonder she was paying Sears. She wasn't hideous or anything but...a model? What the hell is going on here? Anyway, as the night goes on and everyone is starting to get drunk, apparently she had some other intentions. First, she asks Adam to kiss her, and was met with a simple "No." Next, I end up in the back seat of her new Chrysler convertible (that's funny to me for some reason) with her because everyone was too drunk to drive but Andrew and she asks me if I think she is pretty. She seriously asked me this. My response: "Uh...ask me later." Strike two. Apparently she didn't get the hint and asked Andrew later on if he wanted to kiss her. His response? "No thanks."

Something else really funny about that night? Apparently, she had her senior pictures taken already and was handing a lot of the billfold size pics out. Every now and then, me or my sister would be going through some old boxes or looking for something around the house and one of these pictures would turn up. This happened for years after this one night sleeze. Apparently, modeling for Sears gives people confidence that really shouldn't have it. I bet if I look hard enough, I could still find one. If I ever do, I'll put it on facebook and see if anyone knows her.

Okay, one more short one. Another night, I had some friends over (senior year still) and one of them I don't hang out anymore insisted on having some girls over. No one was home that night, literally no one...except for this girl I worked with. She was kind of odd and I told him this girl would come over if I asked without a doubt. But I insisted back that I wanted him to state to everyone there that this was his idea, not mine, and that I would take no responsibility for any of this. He agreed, told our friends what I told him to say, I asked, and she showed up with a friend in tow...

Wholly shit, doesn't describe these two enough. Her friend...geez, I can't even go there. Anyway, the girl who was invited showed up with this gigantic, white bow in her hair. For real, we're not eight years old having a kiddy date with crayons and juice, we're all 18. Apparently the rest of my friends immediately understood why I made our friend declare responsibility...none of them moved after she walked in. The funniest part...my sister came out of her room at one point, looked around, and went straight back into her room and shut the door without saying a word. Priceless.

Infomercial of the Day: ExtenZe Penis Enchancement Pills. It's every man's dream...how to make his penis even bigger. Pedophile Dad in the Blue Shirt is proud to boast about ExtenZe's achievements. Painfully-Not-Trying-to-Laugh Latino Lady makes no secret that ExtenZe is "scientifically proven" to increase the size of that "certain part of the male body" (uh...then why does it say these statements have not been approved by the FDA?). Look! Paid actors in a fake drug lab are making the pills...it must be legit! Latino Lady even says so herself "this is REAL science." Since all testimonials are actual people telling the truth, this must be a medical breakthrough! Dr. Daniel Stein, founder of the Stein Medical Group (whatever that is), is here to let you know he PERSONALLY checked out the formula on enhancing that "certain part of the male body" and this is legitimate. He even has his name written on his white lab coat! There's even a picture of the Stein Medical Group building...even though it's generic and part of a strip mall, it exists so he must be telling us the truth! Hey, they'll send you a free sample all for the cost of a postage stamp! No obligations! (even though there is a reminder that the "natural" male enhancement that comes from using this product goes away when you stop using it...hey, if it's natural, why do you even have to take a pill?)

Mr. Thinning Scalp and Lady in the Red Dress (who must be unhappy with his penis size) wants to know if he's ready to do this? Teleprompter Reading Blonde Girl guarantees satisfaction and growth! All the couples agree, what do they want? The guy's small penis to be bigger! So what are you waiting for guys? You have "nothing to lose" and "lots" to gain! Don't forget, for you free trial pack for the cost of a postage stamp, you have to enroll your credit card in the automatic billing program, then you can cancel! (which means you'll get shipped an extra pack or two and charged) Even Ron Jeremy endorses it...

In 2006, the manufacturer of the drug (Dish Direct Incorporated...sounds like they make dishwashing detergent or satellite TV dishes) were sued for $300,000 because of false advertising. Apparently, they couldn't back up their claim that your penis would grow by 27%. Also, several customers complained to the Better Business Bureau because ExtenZe made them sick. Apparently, ExtenZe's lead content was beyond legal limits. FYI, if men are exposed to lead long enough, it can damage the organs responsible for sperm production. It can also damage your nervous system (your penis gets bigger but it won't matter...you can't even feel it now!). Whoops!

The FDA has no definition of "all natural" for meat.