Quick and Timely Observations 3/2 (Spooky Edition)

"It's not just about my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us." Ron Livingston couldn't have said it better in Office Space:

I want TV and movies to quit using the phrase "Based on a True Story" or "Based on True Events" like it's supposed to put us into some kind of shock. A true story? I guess we're supposed to get the impression that it actually happened but a true story can also mean it's true, someone actually made this shit up. In fact, I would venture to say most of the crap that says this is so far from the actual truth does it even matter if it was "based" on anything that was true? Have you all seen the preview for that new movie, it's called something like The Haunting in Connecticut? It's based on a true story of some family who claims to have been in contact with the supernatural. I'm sorry, I don't know anyone who has been in contact with ghosts, demons, the Exorcist, or Freddy Kruger. And those who have been in contact with them...isn't there some kind of mental illness or something associated with seeing visions and making up stories in your head? Isn't that schizophrenia or something? There are plenty of people who can't stomach watching horror or slasher films. Why? It's a fantasy story of people getting cut up. They're not dead, they're not really being tortured. In fact, a few years ago I ran into a little girl (meaning 6 or younger) who liked watching them because she thought they were funny. Now, that might be a little disturbing. If you're reading this, we know the difference between reality and fantasy. This kid is so young, she probably doesn't know. I guess if she starts stabbing kids at school with scissors or pens and laughs about it, we all know who the next serial killer is going to be and how it came about.

By the way, I don't believe in ghosts or any of that shit. Those of you who do...are sure you didn't see the reflection of water or your curtains move when you were partially awake? Trust me, I would love to see a ghost. But I'm not going to because they don't exist. I've been in graveyards late at night. Nothing there. No zombies or people rising from the grave. I've been in old buildings during the day and at night. The boogeyman didn't shake hands with me. And those goddamn Ouija boards? The most boring game ever. "I'm not moving it, I swear!" Oh yeah? Then take your damn hands off the thing and prove it me dumbass! There are no secret messages, there are no specters, THEY DON'T EXIST. You want a secret message? Eat a fortune cookie.

Which moves me to the next topic...horoscopes. Trust me, the stars aren't telling you what is going to happen in your life today. It's time to burn this bullshit down to the ground. If horoscopes were true, guess what would happen? Every single event listed in your horoscope would occur that day. There you go. That means Madam Fraud and her possessed, weirdo predictions are laughing all the way to the bank. Don't even start me on that fucking asshole John Williams or whatever his name is that had that TV show where he claimed he could speak to the dead. I realize death is a terrible, tragic event and there are some people who just can't let it go. Understandable. But you're cashing in on other peoples' false hope. Their relative is gone, there are no more conversations or means to communicate with them. This guy only prolongs this person's grieving and inability to cope. It's time for John and I to have a deathmatch inside a cage so I can return all the money he made from profiting off someone else's grief.

I've only had one, semi-freaky thing happen to me ever. My friends and I were watching The Mothman Prophecies either senior year of high school or the summer after freshmen year of college. I don't remember the year, but there's this scene where Richard Gere slams this door really hard and there's a mirror on it. Well, you see this weird face in the mirror as the door swings back open. So, I took the remote and tried to pause it right on the face to see this mask. When I just about had it, the TV turned off. When I turned it back on, I swear, the font the TV uses was a different style and size. So if the Mothman had anything to do with it, he can knock on my front door and I'll greet him with a middle finger and a boot in the ass for freaking all of us out. Sneaky fucker.

One last story about fraudulant ghost stories and weirdo people. I dated this girl freshmen year of college and I pretty much said the same thing to her (that I didn't believe in ghosts, it's a big bunch of bullshit). She gets pissed off and responds with this story: "That's not funny! You don't know what it's like when it happens to you! My grandpa and I saw a ghost in a cemetary late at night once (what was grandpa doing with granddaughter in a cemetary late at night?). And this other time, right about the time (some relative died, can't remember who) the clothes dryer shut off, the lights flickered/turned off and we knew it was them communicating." Safe to say, that relationship didn't last. Goddamn, it took me seven years of dating weirdos to meet a normal. I must have some sort of homing beam or some shit that attracts these creepers. You know why the dryer shut off? Because there might have been a blown fuse or a short somewhere. You know why the lights flickered? Maybe the light bulb was weak or a plane flew overhead and shook the house? As far as grandpa and granddaughter having a late night pow-wow at a graveyard? Well, I'll leave that one up to Unsolved Mysteries (along with her fascination with Selena and the most embarrasing moment of my life...a variety show performance, at Vincennes University, complete with Selena music, a maraca, and a red dress...I was embarrased then, now I just laugh about it, ha ha!).


If you know someone (or if you do this yourself) who sits down on a toilet and doesn't wash their hands afterwards, you should consider reporting them to the Department of Health and exiling them out of your life. No matter how many times I see this I get grossed out. I just get this vision of that person eating some chicken wings or some kind of messy food after their trip to the toilet and then licking their fingers clean. Yuck.

One of my all-time, worst pet peeves: if you're out walking around (the mall is a good example) and someone walks in front of you without looking. I just want to find the nearest loudspeaker, put it up to their ear, and scream "EXCUSE YOU!" I don't understand this at all. This happens to me all the time and it drives me nuts. I'll be walking down the mall or in a department store and here comes this jerkoff out of a store to the right of me, staring in the opposite direction, never even looking my way. Then if I run into him, guess what? It's my fault! I sure hope this fucker doesn't do this while driving. "Do-dee-do, I only feel like looking in the direction I'm turning, even if this is a busy intersection." These are the people, if they end up broken in two in a wreck, I don't feel sorry for them. Driver's Ed needs to be a mandatory you-have-to-take-this-class- every-five-years-until-you-die (every year after you turn 60) for everyone. Look left, right, then left again asshole! No only is this stupid, it's fucking rude! Not that anyone I meet anymore has any manners. I swear, most people would eat spaghetti with their fingers if they could get away with it.

Why is Tara Reid in any movies? Worst actress alive.

I have to talk about football now, I haven't talked about sports on here for a while. Albert Haynesworth was worth the $100 million he received. I initially thought it was stupid but I ran into this stat about games he didn't play due to injury or suspension, when he played, and when he was on the sideline to catch a breath (http://insider.espn.go.com/nfl/insider/news/story?id=3940124). It's pretty remarkable and he basically equates to at least 2 more wins for a team per year.

Spending a lot in free agency though, really isn't the best idea. Even if Tennessee let Haynesworth go, they did the right thing. That's a lot of money for a small market team to invest in a player other than quarterback. I wouldn't invest very much money in players that are older than 30 either (unless they're a QB, then it's 35). There's too much hit or miss with players on the decline.

Infomercial of the Day: HD Vision Wraparound Sunglasses. That's right and you thought senior citizen chunker sunglasses weren't stylish. You said no way I'll ever wear those. Well, be prepared to eat those words because here comes the most amazing chunker shades ever invented! Oooh, Cutesy Blonde Girl with Smart Glasses is being blinded from the sun! Uh oh, Hotshot Dad Golfer's clip-on shades just don't do the trick, especially when he looks directly at the sun. Prescription Sunglasses are at an all time high and so in demand they now cost almost $500 dollars. What can we do? Just when everyone was about to give up hope and panic, a new breakthrough invention is here. Dirt cheap too! That's right, it's sun glasses so big, they fit halfway around your fat head and over the top of your glasses! With your whole face covered, you'll never have to worry about the sun ruining your day anymore! Dark Haired Lady in the 80s Blue Shirt is amazed while at the beach. Even better, the shades make colors more visible when you put them on (what happens if you're colorblind?). Mr. Receding Hairline with the Faded Polo can't believe it! They have a black guy wearing it, that means it must be cool and in style! Old Lady with the Hair Plugs and Bathing Suit at the Fake Beach can't believe how stylish they are too! Apparently the elderly are two steps ahead of everyone in style (to think, I always thought they were four steps behind! how much is a step anyway? 10 years?). Hotshot Dad Golfer can't believe the Modern Style either, he's completely in fashion!

Wait, that's not all! When you order, we'll send you the cheapest sunglasses visor holder ever! No joke, the ones that break your sunglasses so you have to buy more! A $10 ($3) value, free! Still want more? We also invented night vision shades! They're yours free, along with strange looks and freak insults. See alien aircraft in the sky without the glare!



Pepsi tastes like a fart.