Quick and Timely Observations 3/6

"Learn how to park asshole!" The note I left on someone's car today after their hulking, chunker SUV took up THREE parking spots:


(FYI, 3/6 is today's date, not a measurement, dumbass)


That's right bitches, if you take up more than one parking spot, you officially suck at life. I have a feeling that this will never change but the idea that because you think you own a new, luxury car you should get more parking space so no one will dent your doors or accidently scratch your vehicle's paint is bullshit. If you park in a big parking lot, park towards the back! Besides, if you're this superficial, you should have your head examined anyway (actually, having your ass kicked and being thrown in some mud would probably be more effective). No one cares about what your car looks like (well, unless your one of those clunkers that needs a new muffler...your car is loud AND it smells...it's just a reflection of the people inside the vehicle). If your door or car gets dinted, guess what? Deal with it! If you have enough money to purchase that vehicles, surely you have enough to fix it when it needs repaired or if it has a dent in the door!


I have no earthly idea why anyone chooses to purchase any item or service where the seller or company doesn't offer a warranty or doesn't stand behind their product. These stupid fucking people going to the Circuit City liquidation sales who buy TVs that are supposed to be such fantastic deals but there is no warranty and you aren't allowed to open the box before you buy it (I'm sure you can guess what happens next). Guess what? Some of those people took it home and when they opened the box discovered a shattered plasma/LCD TV staring them in the face. No return policy, all purchases are final. And you were STUPID enough to buy something like that without inspecting it first? Read on and I'll let you all in on the greatest way to find deals.


I might be talking up my employer, but H&R Block is the only place that stands behind their tax return preparation. If you go to local bullshit preparer, TurboTax, or an accountant more than likely you'll be fucked. Why is that? If you get audited (and it can happen to anyone for any reason) it's going to cost you dearly. The computer software definitely won't do anything. If local place fucked up, well here's your fees back but there is nothing else we can do (this includes Jackson-Hewitt). Plus, none of these places keep up on new tax laws. For a simple $30 more at H&R Block, you're protected against ANY audit so long as you told the truth. Guess what happens if you get audited and you didn't the get the $30 Peace of Mind? It costs $75 dollars an hour at H&R. Think that's a lot? Accountants will charge over $200 an hour. $30 bucks doesn't sound so bad then, does it?


If you buy something and don't get any extended warranties...don't be pissed if the thing breaks down. That extended warranty covers your ass. This is America, we're way too used to buying cheap shit from China now to not know that it is made as cheaply as possible. Don't use the excuse you paid this much money, it shouldn't break. You're right, it shouldn't but it will because Chinese kids with no fingers made it and you know better than that.


So what's the secret to finding TVs with warranties for cheap (name brands, not the off brand bullshit)? Computers for next to nothing? Video games always on sale? Dealnews.com I'm not kidding you. Check it out, what can it hurt? Hey dumbass, if you're pissed about overpaying for your stuff, don't say you didn't know of a way to get it for less. This is not a scam of any sorts (trust me on this, if I ever find the people in charge of pyramind schemes, computer viruses, etc. I will fight them to the death and put their heads on display afterwards with a sign underneath that reads "this asshole was alive to fuck us and make our lives hell...they're not laughing anymore!").


I used to work at McDonald's in Newburgh in high school. I worked the drive-thru a lot and the orders that drove me nuts came from senior citizens. This is similar to the blog where I stated there is no excuse for people of any age to claim technology moves too fast. These people just choose not to advance. Anyway, here's what the order would sound like:


Me: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Old ass: "Uh...yeah. I want a small cheeseburger...bag of fries...coke."
Me: (What the fuck is this guy dumbass talking about?)


I'm serious, I got orders like this all the time. How long has McDonald's been around? I'm pretty sure the menu has been the same since I was a kid. There is no such thing as a small cheeseburger. There is no such thing as a bag of fries. And...coke, do you want a kiddie cup size or a 64 oz? This could be slang for a drug deal. I tried to correct a person who did this once and they were so confused if I would've asked what day is tomorrow they probably would have responded "Yahtzee!"


If this happened, I would enter the order as: cheeseburger, small fries, small coke. Guess what these assholes would do sometimes after that? I wanted a bigger size than that! Well, guess what? START USING SIZES THEN. Small fries come in paper bags, what else could you possibly be referring to? If America ever decides to go to the metric system, this country will probably break out into a Civil War.


Here's another story. When I worked for the furniture store, we had to shop the competition regularly. Well, shortly after Ashley Furniture opened, I took the decorator and her assistant over there with me. I was dressed down that day too hoping we wouldn't be followed around everywhere. Oh yeah, that happened everytime we went in there. The managers would freak out, go apeshit, and start sweating. Anyway, it doesn't help that a previous manager from where I worked was employed there as a sales associate. As soon as I walked in I was recognized but I let the two girls look around. Since the young guy was by himself, I guess they thought they could walk all over me or something, but I would venture to say these people who run this place probably haven't been laid in a while and probably go home and cut themselves they're so disgusted with life.


Anyway, short guy with bad combover told me I had to leave after being in there a short while and that they weren't going to get involved in this "pissing match" between our stores. Okay, whatever. Shortly thereafter I found out they thought I was the most arrogant S.O.B. walking since I had the audacity to walk into their store, I was dressed down like they were nothing (okay?), and that I brought two young girls with me. Seriously. "I can't believe he brought two girls with him!" All I wanted to say is "I gotta pimp these hoes someway"...lol, not really. Yeah, it was a dream of mine to walk into the competition with beautiful (uh...) ladies at my side and show these posers who ran shit around here. What a joke. Are there really people who sit around and think shit like this up?


According to Consumer Reports (maybe it was U.S. News) Car Rankings, the worst car for the money for 2009: Pontiac G5. It loses more than 60% of its value within a few years, plus the maintenance/repair costs are high (supposedly the car doesn't hold up) and the gas mileage is sub standard for a compact car. Hope you didn't buy one of these!


Sony just doesn't get it. The former number one electronics manufacturer still believes they are the best (Samsung overtook them not too long ago). I want someone to justify why their shit is so much higher than everyone else's? And why does a PS3 cost $399? Don't say Blu-Ray, it's going down the same path as video tapes and DVDs before it. Actually, a PS3 costs more than $399...it's more like $500. You have to buy a game to go with it. And if you want to watch those Blu-Ray discs? You have to buy an HDMI cable too. If you want a friend to be able to play? The controllers are the most outrageously overpriced item going today ($55!) other than an iPhone. A PS3, game, cables, and a controller plus 7% tax (could be higher too)...$582. That's a lot of money to play games.


I don't need anymore political "analysts" tell us that the economy is going to be slow to recover. No fucking shit. Put me on TV, I'll give people a reason to watch. Apparently, you have to own a moron degree to be an analyst.


Infomercial of the Day: ShamWow Sponge Towel. That's right, it's Mr. Quirky, his half open glass eye, and his telemarketer headset here to sell you the most amazing invention in the world...a towel that sucks up water! It picks up water wet or dry (and looks strikingly similar to a long, flat sponge). No way! Watch as it cleans up Kool-Aid! Oooh, you can dry your brand new Mercedes with it! Even your RV! Mr. Quirky boasts that the ShamWow picks up 20 times its weight in water (oookay...the thing can't weight more than half a pound, so that means it picks up 10 pounds of water? how much is ten pounds of water anyway? apparently the people how made this commercial skipped sixth grade science class the correct measurements you use for liquids). Guess what else? Are you ready? Really, really ready??????????????

Drumroll..............................




more drumroll.......................................


(still waiting)...................


Quit picking your nose!





It's made in Germany! Your goddamn right, Mr. Glass Eye reminds you the Germans make good shit, don't you forget it (he says it so fast though you might actually miss it). Guess what else your big sponge can do? Double as a bath mat! Sign me up for this world class invention! You know what else you can do with it? Use it as a towel! That's last century though...ShamWow is here for the 21st century. Blot your carpet when you spill soda, wine, the dog pisses on the rug...any spill! No other towel does this (unless you take a regular towel and push on the carpet). Recovering Drug Addict Lady who hasn't slept since Detox (look at those bags under her eyes...goddamn!) can't live without it, it picks up the cocaine nugget that blew away! Roly Poly Bad Perm Mom doesn't even buy paper towels anymore, she's got a new towel to clean up dog piss, dry her hands off, and whipe her mouth clean...without having to wash it everytime! Gray Goatee with a Plain White Hat proclaims you'd be crazy to not own one if you wash your car (air drying is for the birds)! Mom and Daughter are stoked, they won their audition and get to say "Sham-WOW" on TV (they forgot to take off their sunglasses though, guess she won't be in any softcore or on Red Shoe Diaries anytime soon). Why spend $20 bucks on paper towel ever month Mr. Broken Eye asks? ShamWows last 10 fucking years! Sponges barely last a week (I guess he never leaves them outside to dry either...makes no sense)! Call within the next 20 minute and they'll send you eight instead of four! Not sold in stores, the Germans made it, call now dumbass and starting using only one towel instead of two for really big spills!

I know I usually end my blogs with a short statement or question but I thought it might be more interesting to let everyone know that the guy in the ShamWow commercial made a movie called Underground Comedy Movie. It centered on pleasing, everyday topics like defecation, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and urination. The New York Post actually reviewed it too and apparently, they loved it: "It may be the least amusing comedy ever made."

How did his eye end up looking like that?